ChicagoNow bloggers are joining forces today in support of new moms as they celebrate their first Mother’s Day, although the advice below is just plain good life advice for everyone. Want to read all the posts written for Mother’s Day? We’ve Storified them and you can find them all here.

Dear New Mom,

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. I can only imagine the amount of happiness this has brought you and your family.

This Mother’s Day, my gift to you is a bit of advice to help you be the best mom you can be.

You may be wondering what a single girl without kids can tell you about motherhood. Well, my qualification comes from being a daughter, big sister, cousin, granddaughter, and friend to people with kids. In addition to all of that, I’ve lived for more than a few years and we’ll just leave it at that. From that perspective, I fully I’m qualified to give you this advice.

Have only healthy relationships. Including the one you have with yourself.

Yes, this should sound obvious, but it’s not to everyone.

Your kids are sponges. They see, hear, and sense everything. They may not have words for what they observe or sense and they may not say anything to you, but that doesn’t mean that when you are mistreated they are oblivious to it. They aren’t. Trust me.

You need that job and you can laugh off the unwanted sexual advances by your boss. You want to prove your friend who said your marriage would never last because your then fiance belittled you constantly that she was wrong. That girlfriend has been like a sister to you and you can’t leave her now when she needs you the most, even though she’s an angry alcoholic who flies off the rails constantly and refuses to get help. He doesn’t hit you that often and when he does, you deserve it.

I get it.

Do you know what all of that is? Lies. Damn lies. They are the lies we tell ourselves to justify being in unhealthy relationships longer than we should be in them. Those are just examples of unhealthy relationships. Lord knows there are many many many more unhealthy relationships than I have time to write or you have time to read. You know what I’m talking about.

Here’s the thing: Your kids see how that guy in your life emotionally or physically abuses you, that girlfriend who has become a shadow of her former self, and that boss who gives you the creeps. They see it all and they think it’s acceptable behavior because you tolerate it.

Yes, you tell them that they should stay out of unhealthy relationships, but you don’t and they remember what you did, not what you said. Your actions speak so loudly they can’t hear your words.

Letting people mistreat you teaches your daughter what she should accept as a woman. Being treated poorly by a man teaches your son acceptable ways to treat women.

Is that what you want for your kids? Of course not. You want your kids to have only healthy loving relationships with people deserving of their awesomeness. You want your kids to never suffer emotionally or physically. You want your kids to know they have value and are loved unconditionally.

Obviously, some heartbreak in life is inevitable. Relationships end for a variety of reasons and that inflicts pain. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Relationships that are fundamentally painful, where you feel like you’re trying to fit a round peg into a square hole or where you find yourself constantly apologizing for your mere existence, are unhealthy and they are optional.

You don’t have to exist within those relationships. You are worth better and your kids deserve to see their mom loved and honored the way every single human being should be loved and treated.

What do you do if you’ve gone your whole life in emotionally and or physically abusive relationships, but you want to break the cycle?

1. Love yourself first. Self care is the most important thing you can do. When you take care of yourself, you show yourself, your kids, and others that you have value. If you don’t currently truthfully love yourself, you’ll need to practice this. Practice it. It’s worth it and is key to having healthy relationships.
2. Evaluate your relationships. All of them. Ask yourself honestly if the relationship builds you up or tears you down. If you feel good and energized when you’re with the other person, those are signs of a good relationship. But if you feel belittled and berated, if the other person has anger issues or harasses you in any way, if you feel like all the energy is sucked out of you every time you’re with the other person, or if you’re being physically abused, you are in an unhealthy relationship. This step is crucial because if you lie to yourself about the answers or make excuses about them (see above), then you’ll remain stuck in those unhealthy relationships.
3. Get out of physically abusive relationships immediately. If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, seek help at a facility set up to provide women in domestic violence situations with all the resources they need. WINGS is a great resource. Go to the police and file charges. Do not believe the excuses your abuser gives you.
4. End other unhealthy relationships. Some are easier to end than others, but get out in a way that honors the relationship. You could honestly talk to the other person about how you’re feeling, but my experience is that zebras don’t drastically change their stripes. They may try, but unless they’re really doing work on themselves, most people don’t change much over time.
5. Seek therapy. Seriously. Figure out the root of the why you believe you only deserve unhealthy relationships. It’s going to take some work, won’t happen overnight, and is going to be incredibly hard work. You’ve spent a lifetime accepting less than the best; why would you think you’ll fix that in a matter of minutes? You can’t. It’s also important that you have a good trusting relationship with your therapist. If for any reason you don’t feel comfortable, find a new therapist. It’s just not a good fit for you and that’s okay. The therapist won’t take it personally, but even if they do, it’s their problem. Keep searching until you find the therapist that’s just right for you.
6. Find a new job. Yes, this is hard. If you are being harassed at work or if it’s unhealthy for other reasons, do whatever it takes to find a new job and put yourself into a healthy work environment. If your work environment is unhealthy because of illegal discrimination or harassment, make sure your HR department knows about it and if they won’t fix the problem (firing you after reporting illegal activity is called retaliation and is illegal), go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and file a complaint.

Yes, you’ll stumble a bit along the way. Cut yourself some slack. Most importantly, your kids will see you doing the work and your personal growth will be soaked up by them like a sponge. They’ll see you loving yourself and then they’ll see you raising your standards and only allowing healthy people and relationships into your life. Your daughter will grow up knowing she’s worthy and that love doesn’t hurt. Your son will grow up treating women with respect. All because they learned it from you.

Love,

Little Merry Sunshine

P.S. This advice isn’t just for moms. This is life advice for everyone.

Like Little Merry Sunshine on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and Pinterest, and see my pictures on Instagram to keep up with the latest goings on.

You can also receive immediate notification of each blog post by typing your email address in the box below and clicking the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.