By now you’ve heard or seen the story about the irritated husband who sent his wife a sex spreadsheet tracking all the times he’d tried to have sex with her over a seven week period and all of her excuses. In all, they had sex three times in seven weeks when the husband tried to initiate 27 times. It’s not clear to me whether the wife attempted to initiate sex or not.

I shared The Huffington Post sex spreadsheet story on my Facebook page the other day and it drew quite the conversation between my friends. We all agreed that the sex spreadsheet was outrageous, but there were a variety of reasons for why it was so over-the-top.

Today, I opened up The Huffington Post and guess what I found? If you guessed a sex spreadsheet made by a woman, you win. Note: As far as I can tell, these spreadsheets were not made by the same couple. I dug a bit deeper into the HuffPo article and found its source – a story on Guyism.com, which has more information.

Just like the original spreadsheet created by a husband, this one detailed all of the times in a 30 day period that the wife initiated or indicated her desire for sex with her husband and all of his excuses or ways he turned her off.

Ugh. Just stop. Stop it right now. Enough.

These two sex spreadsheets tell us many things about how we view sex and many more that I don’t want to know about the sex lives of strangers.

1. From these two spreadsheets, it appears that women want sex with their partner just as much as men want sex with their partner. Takeaway: We’re all equally horny.
2. Rejection, whether verbally blatant or via non-verbal actions, feels shitty to both men and women.
3. That rejection leads to serious resentment and it builds up over time.
4. It’s easier to keep a sex spreadsheet about what’s wrong with the other person than to look inside of ourselves to see what role we are playing in our less than ideal sex life. Takeaway: We like being the victim rather than doing work on ourselves.
5. It’s easier to make a sex spreadsheet than to have a conversation.
6. In a committed relationship, people feel entitled to sex.
7. An unhealthy sex life magnifies other problems in a relationship.
8. Sex spreadsheets can and do get shared, which is a huge violation of privacy and one quick way to lose the trust of your partner.
9. People do not communicate either because they don’t know how or they are too lazy.
10. Some people simply are not sexually compatible, which is why I think it’s a good idea to have a few test drives before commitment.

I’m sure there are more lessons here, but ten seems like a good number.

Now maybe these people were in marriage counseling, discussing their sex life, and their therapist asked them to each keep some sort of journal about their sex life (or lack thereof) to discuss at a future session. I can sort of see how this could be a helpful tool to open discussion about improving intimacy. BUT both spouses would need to be willing to do the homework. The other caveat there should be that what happens in couples’ counseling (including the homework) stays in couples’ counseling. I want to hope that’s the case with these two spreadsheets, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on.

Can we all just agree that unless it’s done within the context of couples’ counseling, an MS Excel sex spreadsheet is a passive-aggressive way to express your desire for more intimacy is wildly inappropriate and is not going have the outcome you desire?

Can we all further agree that if we are ever presented with a sex spreadsheet or if we make one for any purpose that we will never share it on the internet? People who share such intimacies are Class A Douchebags, in my opinion.

If you’re unhappy with the quality of your sex life, have a conversation with your partner. Do it in a neutral place when you’re not trying to get laid. Don’t surprise him or her with the talk. Schedule it. Be open to the fact that your less than ideal sex life may have something to do with you too. Listen.

In spite of The Huffington Post’s declaration that sex spreadsheets are now a “thing,” I beg you not to do it.

Just say no to sex spreadsheets.

And if you need some tips on how to improve your sex life, go visit my fellow ChicagoNow blogger Red & Company. This woman knows what she’s talking about. She and her hubby took a 30-Day Sex Challenge and most recently, they have mapped out some fun while their kids are with the grandparents.

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