Dear DMV,

Yes, what happened between us today is at least partly my fault. Heck, I’ll own 50% of it, but I really wish you could meet me half way on this one and recognize your responsibility. If you could have done that, our special time together could have been far more pleasant and we’d both have lovely memories.

You know that I moved three years ago, a year after renewing my license, and I promptly changed my address with you because I like it when we keep in touch. Much to my surprise, all I had to do was complete an online address change form. I didn’t have to plan a date with you, show up, and wait in a long line while you spent time with many others. I loved you for this convenience.

Sure, there have been a few inconveniences over the years because my license didn’t match my checks initially and when I got into that accident in April, the cop gave me a little hassle over having a license that didn’t match the DMV records on her computer. All in all, however, things have been easy.

Because I recently celebrated a birthday my license expired and I needed a new one. I was excited to finally have a license that matched everything else in my life. I prepared to see you by thoroughly reading the letter you sent me and bringing my Passport, which you explicitly stated was an acceptable form of ID. I also had my driver’s license and the letter, which I was instructed to bring.

When I arrived, there was a very long line, but I was prepared for that too. I had a book and my phone was fully charged. I saw a sign that said pregnant women could skip the wait, but although I could pass for being pregnant and was truly pressed for time today, my integrity won out and I patiently awaited my turn. I also figured it was some good down time for me.

Thirty minutes later my number was called and I eagerly handed all my paperwork to the nice man behind the counter. Things went smoothly until he asked me for additional proof of my new address. Confused, I asked why. He explained that because I changed my address three years ago, I now needed to provide actual proof because “anyone could put any address into the internet.” Okay, sure.

To be fair, the renewal letter you recently sent me did mention something about this. It said,

“If you are changing your address at the time of renewal, you must provide two documents from the list of acceptable identification, with your new address. Other acceptable forms of identification (not listed) may be found in the current “Rules of the Road” or on the Secretary of State’s Web page: www.cyberdriveillinois.com.” Office of the Secretary of State Driver Services Department, Notice of Driver’s License Renewal. (emphasis mine)

As I said, I’d changed my address three years ago and you’d even sent me a letter at the time confirming the change. I read those sentences to mean that because I had changed my address previously and was not currently making a change, this did not apply to me.

Oh, how wrong I was.

DMV: Do you have any ID, Ms. Gardner?

Me: You mean aside from the Passport I just gave you?

DMV: Yes. Something with your current address.

Me: I changed my address three years ago. Your letter only said that people who are currently changing their address at the time of renewal need to bring extra ID. Here’s my checkbook with my current address though.

DMV: Ma’am, you should have understood that “changing your address at the time of renewal” clearly applied to you. Your checkbook is not acceptable. Anything else?

Me: Here’s the letter you sent me at my new address informing me it was time to renew my license. But, you know, if this was meant to apply to me than the language of the letter should have been more inclusive.

DMV: The letter is clearly inclusive and not an acceptable form of ID. Anything else?

Me: Here’s my car registration issued by the State of Illinois in April 2014 with my current address. Seriously, though, all you needed to do was add one little phrase after “If you are changing your address at the time of renewal” to be more inclusive and the letter would have been far clearer. If you’d just added “or have changed your address online since your last renewal” I’d have understood that this applied to me. Ten words and we wouldn’t be in this predicament.

DMV: Your car registration is not acceptable. Car related documents are not acceptable forms of ID. Anything else? You’re arguing semantics, ma’am. The letter is perfectly clear. Additionally, the letter you received three years ago informed you that you’d need proof of your new address when you next renewed your license.

By this time, I’ve emptied my purse and wallet on the counter looking for anything with my new address.

DMV: What about on your phone? Do you have any bills?

Me: Yes I do. Here’s the Talbot’s order confirmation showing my shipping and billing address, which are both my current address that you have in your database. Seriously? Do you recall what your mail says from three years ago? Grammar matters. “Changing” means something is currently happening. “Changed” refers to an action in the past. If the letter had used the correct verbiage, it would have been clear.

DMV: Talbot’s receipts are not acceptable. Anything else? Why are you giving grammar lessons to the DMV?

Me: Oh, here’s my Citicard statement. Damn, it doesn’t have my address on it. That’s probably for security purposes.

DMV: Can you log into your bank account or credit card?

Me: Ya know, I don’t do phone banking, especially in public because of security concerns.

DMV: Well, without it, you can’t get your license.

ME: Okay, I’m into my Citibank account. Ugh. It shows my balance, but I can’t get to my statements. Again, probably for security reasons. Let me try Chase. Damnit, they have to confirm it’s me by texting me a code. (NOTE: Almost 7 hours later, I have not received the code).

DMV: Ma’am, do you have any bills or paychecks in your car with your address?

Me: No. Again, I’m concerned about identity theft and I don’t keep anything with my address in my car, which is why I had my car registration on me.

At this point, I’m beginning to hyperventilate.

DMV: Is there anyone here who can sign an affidavit that you’re not lying about your address?

Me: No. Do you really think I’m lying about my address?

And I’ve gone into full panic mode.

DMV: Do you have a Comcast account?

Me: YES!

DMV: Go next door to the Comcast service center, have them print your statement with your address, and bring it back to me. I’ll pretend your checkbook is a bank statement.

Me, contemplating climbing over the counter to kiss this man: Thank you! I’ll be right back.

Fifteen minutes later:

DMV: Now, you understand that I’m breaking the rules by accepting your checkbook as official ID. These are rules set in place by the Department of Homeland Security. And they don’t have a sense of humor.

Me: I appreciate that, but with all due respect, I doubt anyone is going to go to all the effort I’ve gone to with giving you my Talbot’s confirmation, car registration, checkbook, letter from the DMV, and Comcast statement, if I were faking my address. Furthermore, this would have been prevented by simply adding a phrase to the recent letter the DMV sent me.

DMV: Ma’am, we’ve discussed this. You knew this applied to you and giving the DMV grammar lessons really isn’t going to help you. Now please step over here for the eye exam and put your glasses on.

Two seconds later.

Me: That was super easy. Just one line of letters and flashing lights on both sides of my face.

DMV: Uh, ma’am, you failed the vision test.

I retook the vision test, passed it, and sat down for my picture. All I can tell you is that my new driver’s license is only slightly better than a Lindsay Lohan mug shot. All in all, it took me 90 minutes. While I was going to all the trouble, I also obtained an Illinois State ID Card too. I don’t know why I need it, but I have it now. The better news is that I quit while I was ahead on that whole grammar lesson thing. I decided that I preferred to stay out of jail.

Please DMV, I beg you, add that one little phrase to your letter. I’m sure it will save many other people headaches like you gave me today.

Thanks.

XOXO,

Jessica

Like Little Merry Sunshine on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and Pinterest, and see my pictures on Instagram to keep up with the latest goings on.

You can also receive immediate notification of each blog post by typing your email address in the box below and clicking the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.