Since sharing my mammogram and tomorrow’s lumpectomy story six days ago, I’ve been inundated with both public and private messages thanking me for demystifying the process of getting a mammogram.

Women have shared their own lumpectomy and mastectomy stories, how they were scared, and how they dealt with their emotions in a variety of ways. Coping mechanisms included humor, religion, meditation, and journaling. Most women reached out for support from family, friends, and colleagues. Some sought out counseling through support groups or a therapist or spiritual advisor. Some fell into depression or had meltdowns.

Although the coping methods differed, all women used a variety of skills developed over their lives. Just like no two women are identical, neither are their ways for dealing with breast cancer or breast cancer scares. As for me, I’m using humor, meditation, writing, networking for safety, counseling, and a couple of mini-meltdowns done in private. These are healthy coping skills and are signs of emotional intelligence.

Quite a few women have thanked me for reminding them to schedule their mammograms either because it had been too long since their last check-up or because, like me, they’ve put off having their first exam. The entire goal of my first post was to inspire other women to get themselves checked. Goal achieved.

There have been a few responses that have caught me off-guard. A few people have told me that they believe my positive attitude and attempts to find some humor in my situation are signs that I’m not taking this seriously. I’ve even been asked if I was considering suicide. Spoiler alert: NO. My lack of freak out seems to make some people uncomfortable.

The fact is that I’m not freaking out and I’m definitely not suicidal. I plan to stick around for a very long time. Obviously, the Universe may have other plans for me, but my plan including living a very long and happy life.

If I had become paralyzed by depression and unable to create an action plan, begun drinking to excess or using illegal substances, striking out at people emotionally or physically, or used other unhealthy coping skills to avoid dealing with what’s happening, that would be cause for concern. I’m not doing any of those things. In fact, I’ve consciously chosen healthy coping skills.

Am I scared? Hell ya. I’d be a big fat liar if I told you no. I’m fucking terrified of anesthesia. I had a nightmare last night that a quack doctor (not my surgeon) was attempting to kill me. I won’t go into details of the dream, but I was clearly processing my own fears about tomorrow’s surgery. In the end of the dream, a friend whose mom actually died of breast cancer, saved my life.

Have I thought about ALL the “what if’s”? You betcha. So much so that I’ve double-checked my life insurance and IRA beneficiaries. I’ve got my powers of attorney documents ready to take to the hospital. Trust me, my affairs are in order. I’m fully aware and understand that this surgery may just be the beginning of a process that could result in a mastectomy or worse.

Can I control or change any of what’s happening? No, I can’t. I can’t make cancer appear or disappear between now and when I get my pathology results on November 17th. Believe me, if I could twitch my nose, all Bewitched-like, and make it all better, I would in a heartbeat.

The only thing I can control is my attitude. And I’m choosing to be positive, hopeful, and grateful. Believe me, it’s not an easy choice; it’s a conscious one. One that I am choosing every minute of every day.

Have I been emotional? YES! I sobbed on my way home after being told I needed the biopsies. During the stereotactic biopsy, I cried quietly because I needed to remain still. But you best believe there were tears running down my face. I don’t doubt that there will be more tears before I get a clean bill of health.

What I know about myself is that when I spend too much time feeling morose, I end up deeply down a rabbit hole, one might call it a Jessica Rabbit Hole, that is 100% unhealthy and unproductive. I begin to focus on on the areas of my life I consider to be failures and dreams I’ve given up – some by choice and others by life circumstance. And I simply don’t see that this train of thought will help me get through what’s ahead of me.

There’s no one-size-fits-all way to deal with life’s difficulties. The best we can all do each day is what’s best for us individually and not judge others for their coping skills.

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