A friend of mine posted on Facebook about a conversation she had with her daughter this morning that began with her daughter asking, “Is Bill Cosby a rapist?”

This question from her tween, made my friend realize that she could no longer separate Bill Cosby the man, who is accused of sexually abusing at least 16 women, from Bill Cosby the comedian, actor, educator, author, and activist. She realized that, just as she had with Roman Polanski and Woody Allen, she had spent years creating a warped rationalization that she could separate these artists from their crimes.

As you can imagine, this sparked quite the conversation on Facebook. I started to comment, but then decided I preferred to write about it here.

Keep in mind that as I write this, I’m listening to MSNBC discuss the rape allegations at University of Virginia and the decision to suspend all fraternities. This was brought to light in a Rolling Stone investigation, published just 5 days ago. (Read A Rape on Campus: A Brutal Assault and Struggle for Justice at UVA and follow-up articles, UVA Suspends Fraternities Following Rolling Stone Campus Rape Investigation and A Weekend of Protest at UVA Following Rolling Stone Rape Story Jolts Campus for more information.)

The following is what I began to post on my friend’s Facebook page.

Well said. I can’t even imagine what parents who have raised their kids on reruns of The Cosby Show are saying to their children now. Hell, I don’t have kids and I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it all.

At the beginning, when it was just one or two allegations, I wanted to believe that Bill Cosby couldn’t have done these things. I mean, he’s Cliff Huxtable. CLIFF FUCKING HUXTABLE.

The Cosby Show was must see tv in my house. I never missed it. The Huxtables were the family I wanted, but never had.

When The Cosby Show hit the airwaves on September 20, 1984, my parents had been separated for six months and life was hard at my house. We were getting help from the local food pantry, free school lunches, and even free school pictures, although I had to miss a full day of school while I literally worked for my free pictures (not worth it, those pics sucked).

Even though I don’t think it had become official, I knew that my family – my mom, dad, brother, and I – would never live under the same roof again. The Cosby Show made me laugh and I fantasized about growing up in a home where mom and dad genuinely loved each other and weren’t shy about showing it, the extended family was tight and regularly involved, and the kids weren’t worried about being found out and horribly ridiculed for receiving free school lunches or Christmas gifts from the township office. In short and although I didn’t have words for it then, I fantasized about growing up in a healthy family with a healthy village to support it, just like the Huxtables.

I watched religiously for eight years and remember crying as though I’d personally lost a close friend or family member on April 30, 1992, when the ending credits ran for the last time.

As more allegations surfaced, however, I realized that the 16 (SIXTEEN!) women who’d chosen to out themselves had nothing to gain. Not money and certainly not fame. As we almost ritually seem to do with all women who accuse men of sexual misconduct, we had to drag them through the mud and slut shame them. What did they do to encourage their attacker? What were they wearing? Had they previously had consensual sex with him? How many partners have they had? Why were they in the location they were in at the time? And on and on.

I don’t know exactly when, over the past few weeks, I decided for myself that Bill Cosby must be a sexual predator, but that’s what I now believe.

And in making that decision, I believe it taints all good he has done in the world. I wish it didn’t, but it does. All of the money Bill Cosby has donated to Spellman College and Fisk University, $20 million and $1.3 million respectively, feels like blood money. Did he donate it out of pure selflessness and a desire to help African-American students get a leg up on life or did he donate it out of his own guilt for the horrible things he’d done? We’ll never know.

As far as I can tell at this moment, two good things have emerged from the Bill Cosby rape allegations.

First, Bill has stayed silent. Yes, I know that people want him to speak out. They want him to say he didn’t do it so they can return to loving his genius and decades of philanthropy. Or they want him to acknowledge that he did it and somehow make amends. Either way, they want him to talk about the allegations.

Why do I say that it’s good that he’s stayed silent? Because in our society, when men are accused of rape, they tend to speak out denying the allegations and crucifying the women by calling their mental health into question, suggesting they’re looking to cash in or gain fame, they can’t take a joke, or they are jilted lovers. Want an example? See Anita Hill. I’m grateful that Bill Cosby isn’t engaging in this behavior. It’s letting me hold onto a shred of respect for him.

Second, and more important, we are actually discussing sexual assault in real ways without slut shaming women. We are standing up and saying NO MORE. As the Chicago Tribune wrote this weekend, “They’re [the accusers] changing the conversation about rape in America. It isn’t pretty. But it’s a good thing.”

This is a conversation we’ve needed to have for far too long. When 60% of women do not report their sexual assaults to the police, mostly out of fear and shame, we have an enormous problem. Learn more about rape and sexual assault statistics from RAINN – Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network.

It’s my everlasting hope that the Bill Cosby legacy, while surely ruined for his work in comedy, education, music, philanthropy, acting, activism, and more, will be that through his vile actions, we, as a society, finally changed the way we talk about and treat survivors of rape. That we take it seriously, treat the accusers with respect and dignity, and we make it safe for them to come forward when they are attacked rather than hiding in shame for decades. According to RAINN, since the Cosby allegations began, the National Sexual Assault Hotline has received 50% more calls. That’s incredible.

Changing how we treat rape victims and taking their allegations seriously won’t fix the lives of the 16 women Bill Cosby assaulted, but maybe they can find solace in knowing that other women won’t suffer the indignities they have suffered.

If you have been a victim of a sex crime, know that it is not your fault and that you are not alone. Please reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE or online. It’s free, confidential, and available 24/7. I would also encourage you to go to the police and keep talking until someone listens.

What do you think? How are you talking to your kids about Bill Cosby these days?

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