I hate Valentine’s Day. There, I said it. I’ve hated it for as long as I can remember. In my opinion, it’s the worst holiday we have and I would prefer to crawl into bed later tonight only to wake up on Sunday.

Now before you stomp all over me as a bitter, never married, completely single, mid-40s, crazy cat lady who hates love and romance, I must take umbrage with the word bitter and your accusation that I hate love and romance. I own the rest of it, but I’m not bitter and I love love and romance.

So why do I hate Valentine’s Day? I’m glad you asked.

Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? In his book, Mr. Chapman posits that people have a primary and secondary way in which they feel most loved and that to have a successful healthy relationship, you not only need to know your Love Languages, but you need to know your partner’s Love Languages.

The five Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

Valentine’s Day focuses primarily on the language of Receiving Gifts. Through the media, we’re told that the only way to show our love is through jewelry, teddy bears, roses, candy, fancy dinners, and much more. If Receiving Gifts isn’t your primary or secondary Love Language, all of this is nice, but it doesn’t replace what truly makes you feel loved.

My primary Love Language is Quality Time. That means that I feel loved when I’m spending undivided time with someone who is fully present with me. Not playing on his cell phone or computer, not paying bills, not watching tv and half-heartedly responding to me every few minutes so I think you’re engaged with me (hint: I know you’re not). We don’t have to be doing anything fancy; in fact, for me, it’s often the simpler time together that means the most. As long as we’ve decided to do it together and we’re both fully engaged, that’s Quality Time.

A number of years ago, I was dating someone at Valentine’s Day. He sent me some beautiful flowers at work. Flowers at work are a warped sort of bragging rights, in my opinion. I don’t like to be that showy, but it did feel kind of nice to be part of that “club” that day. Everyone oohs and aahs over them commenting on how loved you are, but it also feels icky to me because the implication is that if you don’t receive flowers, you’re not loved. However, he’d left that morning on a business trip without having spent any Quality Time with me beforehand and no solid plans upon his return. Although I appreciated them and was grateful for them, the flowers just weren’t a substitute for what makes me feel really loved – Quality Time together.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, duh, of course, he hadn’t made any plans. He just wasn’t that into you.” We’re no longer together (although not because of Valentine’s Day), so I suppose you could be right. But the more logical answer is that he just didn’t know my Love Language and we weren’t a good fit for each other.

My secondary Love Language is Acts of Service. This means I feel loved when someone does things for me. Not like a servant or anything like that, but things that he knows I appreciate – the “little things” that make life better.

This same guy used to pick up cat litter for me when he was at Costco and drop it off at my house. Sure, I can easily do this for myself and I do. I’m at Costco regularly, but cat litter is heavy and it’s one of those things that you’re always in need of when you have cats. He’d always send me a text asking if I needed cat litter or anything else. Even if I said no, he got big bonus points for the offer and being willing to pick up it, deliver it, and put it away.

When my brother was in town recently, he noticed that the exhaust fan in my bathroom was dying and he replaced it. I didn’t realize that the sound it was making was the sounds of impending death, but Dave, who is a contractor, knew that and just fixed it.

Both of these Acts of Service are small, inexpensive (and I paid them both back for the cat litter and new exhaust fan), and easy ways to make me feel loved.

To be sure, this goes both ways. It’s not just about me and my Love Language. I need to know my partner’s Love Language and communicate love with him in that way, as well. Going back to the relationship I described above, his primary Love Language was Physical Touch. I don’t mean sex necessarily, although this is important. I mean non-sexual touch, which science tells us is vital for good health. He turned to putty with a good back rub and I was always happy to oblige.

So, for me, Valentine’s Day, at least the way the media, Hallmark, Kay Jewelers, and the floral industry want us to celebrate it, just doesn’t work.

On the other hand, when a man celebrates Valentine’s Day with me in my Love Language and me with his Love Language, Valentine’s Day is wonderful.

More than anything though, I believe that love and romance should be spontaneous and done throughout the year. All the flowers, jewelry, and fancy dinners on February 14th will never make up for lack of love or romance the other 364 days a year. If it takes a random date on the calendar for you to tell or show me that you love me, I’d prefer you skip it altogether.

Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.

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