Unless you’ve been living in a cave over the past few years, you’ve undoubtedly heard of the movie 50 Shades of Grey based on the series of books of the same name. In case you haven’t, it’s a story of a young woman who is seduced by an older, grotesquely wealthy man who is very sexually controlling and dominant, to say the least. They engage in a sexual practice known as BDSM (Note: My mom reads this, so I’m not going to define it. Click the link to learn about BDSM).

Last month, a young woman in Chicago claimed that a classmate from University of Illinois at Chicago raped her. She did what young women are told to do and went to the police, who arrested the young man that night. The allegations have drawn significant attention and this has been dubbed the “50 Shades of Grey Rape” because the woman was bound, gagged, blindfolded, and whipped with a belt, all tactics used in BDSM and in the book and movie.

Today, a preliminary hearing was held and the charges were thrown out by Judge Peggy Chiampas.

According to the Chicago Tribune report on the hearing, the victim, who was not named by the Tribune,

testified for more than 90 minutes Thursday, at times wringing her hands as she told the judge her encounter with Hossain on Feb. 21 was consensual at first but that she told him to stop and began crying after he began hitting her hard with a belt. (emphasis mine)

“I was saying, ‘No, stop,’ shaking my head from side to side,” she said.

“(Hossain) [the alleged rapist] said, ‘I want to see how much you can take,’” she testified. “He said, ‘I want to see you cry.’”

. . .

[Judge] Chiampas asked if the woman had said anything to Hossain when he bound her wrists or while he allegedly sexually assaulted her. She answered no to both questions.

Read the entire article here.

I need to break this down based upon my understanding from the article:

1. The young woman and young man were having consensual sex.
2. The young woman was okay with and did not object to the young man binding “her hands and legs, stuffed a necktie in her mouth and put a knit cap over her eyes.” (from further in the article)
3. When the young man began hitting her with a belt, she “told Hossain it hurt, told him to stop and began shaking her head and crying.”
4. He did not stop.

Look, I’m openminded. Whatever two consensual people do behind closed doors is okay with me. The key word in that sentence is consensual.

Sex can begin as consensual and then one person changes his or her mind. When that person changes his or her mind and vocalizes the change of heart and the other person does not stop, the sex becomes non-consensual, especially when the person who is saying no is physically powerless to leave the situation. And that is rape.

Because the young woman was physically restrained in a number of ways – bound at her hands and legs, gagged, and blindfolded – she was subjected to whatever the young man wanted to do to her, for as long as he wanted to do it. When she began to cry, shake her head, and protest vocally, but he would not stop, this consensual sex became rape. Just because the young woman went into the situation willingly and had previously had consensual sex with the young man, does not mean he didn’t rape her this time.

Two people can get their kink on and consensually engage in BDSM. But BDSM turns into rape when one person says no and the other person fails to respect that choice.

Women often don’t report rape because they are frequently not believed, retraumitized through the judicial process, had their previous sexual encounters and partners used against them, and have their words twisted against them.

To the young woman, I want to say that I believe you. I believe that you were raped. I believe that you were having consensual sex, but it turned to rape when you expressed that you wanted it to stop and your desires were not respected. I believe that you are courageous for coming forward and I am profoundly sorry that the justice system failed you. Sadly, your situation is not unique. Don’t let this incident define you though. Surround yourself with people who support and believe you, get yourself some therapy to work through the trauma of being raped and having the justice system fail you, and know that you can live a happy, healthy life with wonderful relationships in the future.

To the young man, I want you to know that when a partner says no or otherwise expresses opposition to your encounter, even if you’re in the middle of what began as consensual sex, you must stop. You must stop. Rape occurs when one person wants sex to stop, even if he or she is tied up and the other person wants to continue. For whatever reason, you got lucky today, but next time you might not. Grow up and learn to respect women.

To Judge Chiampas, you obviously know more facts about the case than I do, but I believe you failed women everywhere today.

What do you think, dear reader?

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