We’re all familiar with the idea of “pay it forward” where one person performs a random act of kindness for another person with the hope that the recipient will be inspired to “pay it forward” and perform a random act of kindness for someone else in the future. We may have seen the movie, probably performed our share of pay it forward activities, and certainly heard about numerous pay it forward activities in the media.

Personally, I love performing random acts of kindness. I love surprising someone with a nicety that comes from a place of unconditional love and with no desire or willingness to receive something in return other than a thank you. I’ve provided meals to homeless people, paid for a meal for the person behind me in the drive-thru, created and distributed Homeless Helper Bags, delivered cupcakes to a friend at work anonymously when she was having a rough day, paid the toll for the person behind me (in the lane to get change and long before the iPass made this impossible), and more.

I think I do more giving than receiving of random acts of forward and I suspect that most of us believe that we give more than we get. I, for one, am perfectly okay with that.

That changed on Friday.

As I was driving home from eight glorious days in Michigan, I ran through the McDonald’s drive-thru in Muskegon to get a Diet Coke. Whatever you think of McDonald’s, they have the best Diet Coke in the world. The line was long, but I was listening to a great podcast and not in any hurry, so I sat in my car (don’t lecture me about how this was increasing my carbon footprint because you’ve done it too). I placed my order and proceeded to the cashier.

I handed the cashier exactly $1.59 for my large Diet Coke (evidently Michigan doesn’t do any size drink for $1.00 like we do in Illinois) and prepared to move to the next window, receive my Diet Coke, and get back on the road. Before I could pull forward though, the cashier reached out with cash in his hand and said, “Here’s $3.00 as part of Pay It Forward.”

Huh? I was in shock and didn’t want to take the money.

The first thought that ran through my head was, “Dude, by giving me $3.00 on my $1.59 purchase, McDonald’s just lost $1.41 on this transaction. Keep your money.” I knew that wasn’t right though.

My next thought was, “Son, I gave you exact change. If you think you owe me money, please call your local Board of Education and ask to retake addition and subtraction.” But I knew that wasn’t right either.

Finally, my brain kicked into gear, I accepted the money, and sincerely said thank you.

But I was still confused. Was Ashton Kutcher about to hop out from behind a bush and tell me I’d been punked? Was a reporter from Dateline about to stick a microphone in my car window, tell me this was all on camera, and the world was about to learn I was a jerk who didn’t hand the money back to pay it forward for the person behind me?

What was the catch? There is always a catch in life.

My body physically tightened up from anxiety, my heart was racing, and I kept looking all around for someone to come take the money away. I couldn’t even put the money in my wallet; it just sat in my drink holder next to the Diet Coke. I didn’t begin to calm down until I pulled out of the McDonald’s and back onto U.S. 31 South.

The thoughts in my head didn’t stop though. Why was I given this money? What was the catch? When is the other shoe going to drop? Am I a jerk because I didn’t hand it back like it was a hot potato saying, “Thank you, but please us it to pay for the person’s order behind me.” Was this a test that I just failed?

But then the thoughts changed. I realized that this was a simple act of unconditional love, pay it forward, random act of kindness. I’ve done enough of this in my life for others and I should be able to accept a simple $3.00 without looking at it with deep suspicion, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t accept a simple act of unconditional love.

My reaction wasn’t about $3.00. My reaction was entirely about how I receive unconditional love. More accurately, my reaction was about how I don’t accept unconditional love directed towards me. That’s heavy.

In that moment, I realized what muscle I need to develop in my 44th year. I will learn how to accept unconditional love this year.

Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.

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