SUNDAY MORNING UPDATE:

I WON!!!!! I am RICH! I matched one number on a white ball and the red Powerball number! That means I’ve won $4.00. The only question I have now is whether to take it in one lump sum or take it in equal payments of 13.3¢ per year for the next 30 years. I’ve placed phone calls to my accountant, financial advisor, and lawyer to provide me with their expert guidance – it’s what I pay them for, after all.

You may be concerned that now that I’m a member of the Nouveau Riche Class (it just sounds so glorious and fancy!), that I’ll change. I won’t. I’ll still scoop the cat litter everyday and put my stockings on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. I’ve also decided that I’ll stay in my condo and not purchase MJ’s house . . . yet.

Original post:

At 10:59 p.m. ET tonight, five numbered white balls and one numbered red ball will be drawn from drums of 69 and 26 balls, respectively, in the twice weekly multi-state Powerball game. To win the Powerball jackpot, you must match the numbers on all five white balls plus the Powerball number on the red ball.

When the numbers are drawn, millions of people across the country will be holding their collective breaths, crossing their fingers, prayers, rubbing their lucky rabbits, and doing whatever else they believe will bring them good luck and reward them with riches beyond their wildest expectations.

Because there hasn’t been a Powerball winner since November 4, 2015. That’s 18 drawings. Each time there is no winner, the jackpot rolls over to the next drawing date. That’s how we’ve gotten to a Powerball jackpot of $900 million tonight.

I have never played a lottery in my life, but I was out with friends this morning and decided that today would be the day I played. I laid down $10 and bought five tickets, letting the computer choose my numbers, which I’ve heard increases my odds of winning.

Standing in line at Woodman’s Market in Kenosha, we all chatted about what we’d do if we won.

Here’s my plan.

First, I will hire a lawyer to protect my interests and keep the scammers at bay. I already have mine on speed dial.

Second, I will take the money over my lifetime rather than in one lump sum payment because, according to Tech Insider, taking my winnings in a lump sum payment reduces my winnings by $342 million immediately and before taxes. I’ve just won almost $1 BILLION and I’m not going to piss away close to 40% of that.

Third, before I have to cough up a lot of my money to taxes, I’m going to give $100 million to my alma mater, Lake Forest College. We’ll name a building or the school after me. Maybe I’ll endow every single faculty and staff position. So now, the President will be the “Jessica L. Gardner President of Lake Forest College”; a math professor will be the “Jessica L. Gardner Associate Professor of Mathematics”; and my friend Stacy, who is currently the Associate Director of Residence Life for Student Success will now be the “Jessica L. Gardner Associate Director of Residence Life for Student Success.” Whatever we decide to do with my donation, it will something modest and not showy, obviously.

Fourth, I’ll use $300 million to set up the Gardner Family Foundation, which will be a 501(c)3  non-profit to provide financial assistance to children and families on the cusp of financial ruin. The foundation staff will follow the news and social media, looking for people who are suffering a financial crisis, but who would not qualify for government assistance or would not qualify yet. There are many people who lose a job and need help with a mortgage payment or insurance premium payments or need money to buy school supplies for their kids and we would provide that help. We would also periodically pay off layaways at Walmart and Kmart and pass out supplies to people living on the streets. Ideally, this assistance will be given anonymously. In order to maintain the foundation into perpetuity, the foundation would be limited to spending a portion of the dividends each year, reinvesting the remaining dividends in order to grow the funds.

Fifth, from my remaining $500 million, I’ll pay 38% or $198 million in federal taxes and 5% or $25 million in Illinois state income taxes. Although I don’t like paying taxes, I will have mitigated my tax burden with my charitable giving, and knowing that my taxes will pay for things like roads, schools, and the social safety net, I’ll sleep well at night.

With my final $277 million, I’ll divide it equally among my mom, dad, brother, and myself. We’ll each get $69.25 million, before taxes, which I think we’ll manage to scrape by on. Naturally, I’ll set up each trust fund so that each family member can only live off the interest and dividends each year and not dip into the principal of their trusts. My parents will also be required to stipulate that when they pass away, my brother and I will equally split their trusts. My brother’s trust can either go to his spouse and children or revert back to me should he pass away before me.

Now that I’ve got $69.25 million for myself, I’ll set up trust funds for Sammy and Zoey. I’ll also purchase and mostly redecorate Michael Jordan’s house in Highland Park. Don’t worry, I’ll keep the gates and leave the basketball court alone and I’ll open the athletic portion of the home as a summer day camp for special needs kids. I’ll hire two staff members to work for me – a chef and a massage therapist. Most of my time will be spent running the Gardner Family Foundation, but I’ll also travel regularly. I’ll also buy a new car, probably a Tesla.

If I disappear for a few days after the drawing tonight, just know that I’m busy setting up my empire. I’ll be back though. Oh, and I know ALL of my long lost cousins, so please don’t contact me for a loan.

What are your plans if you win the $900 million Powerball lottery tonight?

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