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How I learned to reduce my night terrors
Sleep.
All at once that is both my favorite word and one that shakes me to my soul with terror.
Sleep and I have always had a rocky relationship. I mean ALWAYS. Ask my mom.
As a toddler, while we were living in Ft. Myers, Florida, I set a record for getting out of bed: 20 or more times. In an hour. No, that’s not a typo. I just didn’t want to go to bed.
Things got so bad that my mom called the pediatrician who told her to spank me each time I got up. This being 1972 to 1974, spanking a child was normal behavior, and my mom swatted my bottom once each time I got up. The next morning, she discovered that my whole left side was bruised from all the swats and she called the doctor again for more of his (obviously awesome and helpful) advice.
On call number two, my mom explained again that I was getting up 20+ times PER HOUR and spanking didn’t help. He suggested that she tie me to the bed with a harness, so she called up Sears, Roebuck & Company and asked if they had any harnesses for children to keep them in bed. The kind customer service rep caught his breath and refused to sell her one, even though they were advertised in the catalog and store for just this purpose, so she went into the store and bought one. The wise male doctor highly recommended strapping me in bed, so she was just trying to be a good mother.
I kid you not. This is what the pediatrician told my mother to do. Again, we’re talking pre-1975 here.
Mom says she never used it because she was worried I’d break my neck trying to get out of bed. She did use it, however, to keep me in my stroller. I guess the bottom line here is that I simply didn’t want to stay in whatever spot I was told to stay.
I finally settled down and fell asleep at night, but that was not the end of my parents’ nightly bedtime nightmares. Oh no. It was actually just the beginning.
Once I fell asleep, I suffered from night terrors and would wake up with blood curdling screams on a regular basis. The problem was that although I might present as awake initially, I wasn’t awake; I was still asleep and there was no talking me down from my night terror. In case you’re unaware, night terrors differ from nightmares. Nightmares happen during REM sleep, but night terrors happen during the deepest stage of non-REM sleep. Kids can’t recall or describe their night terrors, although they are quite shaken by them. Only about 3 to 6% of all children suffer from night terrors, but most kids grow out of them by the time they are 11 or 12.
Yes, another middle-of-the-night call to my pediatrician was in order. Once again, none of his suggestions, which I’d bet my bottom dollar included giving me a nip of bourbon, worked. But do you know what did work? Carrying me around the house with a popsicle. In fact, my earliest memories in 1973 or 1974, involve being carried around the house in the middle-of-the-night coming down from the adrenaline rush of a night terror. It’s truly a wonder that my parents had a second child. I was a handful.
I’d like to tell you that I outgrew the night terrors, but I remember having them in college and I sometimes even have them as an adult. There are no firm numbers of adults who suffer from night terrors, although I believe the number is significantly smaller than the number of children who suffer from them.
A bit surprisingly, even as an adult, the thing that really settles me down from a night terror is just walking around my house. I can’t talk to anyone until I’m fully calmed down and, even though I’m typically able to get back to sleep, it often takes until well into the next day for me to recover from a night terror because of how disoriented and confused I get.
Night terrors used to happen more frequently to me, but in the past couple of years, I’ve taken two steps that I believe have helped me significantly reduce their frequency.
First, about two years ago I began a meditation practice and meditate every night before I go to sleep. Meditating allows me to let go of the day and calm my brain and body. When I don’t meditate, I don’t fall asleep as quickly, my overall heart rate during the night is higher, and I wake up much more frequently (see the information from my Jawbone UP below for more on this). I also seem to have more night terrors when I don’t meditate.
Second, I bought a Jawbone UP. My Jawbone UP 3, tracks my nightly sleep pattern and my resting heart rate, in addition to my daily steps. In the past year, I’ve gone from falling asleep in about 25 minutes, on average, to 5 minutes, on average. In the morning, I can see my entire sleep cycle – light sleep, REM sleep, and deep non-REM sleep.
My sleep from Friday to Saturday, August 14 – 15, 2015. In this example from Saturday, August 15th, you can see that I fell asleep in 5 minutes and went through multiple sleep cycles throughout the night, even though I woke up once for 37 minutes. I recall waking up a bit startled, although not to the level of night terror and walking around my brother’s house and out onto his deck for a little while. It calmed me down enough to allow me to get another six hours of sleep uninterrupted.
I got a total of 1 hour and 29 minutes of deep sleep (the non-REM kind) and 1 hour and 10 minutes of REM sleep. Both of these numbers are pretty good. You can also see my heart rate throughout my sleep, which ranged from about 85 to below 57 throughout the night, but I woke at 72 bpm. I blame hearing my dad scream my name, telling me it was time to get up on a Saturday morning on vacation, because on a normal morning, my resting heart rate is between 60 and 65 upon waking.
These two simple changes of meditating and purchasing a Jawbone UP have greatly improved the quality of my sleep. I’ve learned that I truly do function best when I’m getting eight hours or more of sleep and I’ve decreased my night terrors in natural and healthy ways. And that’s a huge victory.
When all else fails, there are some homemade popsicles in my freezer. They still work like a charm.
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This post was brought to you by ChicagoNow‘s monthly Blogapalooza writing exercise where we all write a post on the same topic in an hour.
Tonight’s topic from our fearless leader, Jimmy Greenfield, who interrupted his vacation scuba diving with Heidi Klum in the Bahamas (seriously, that’s what he told us) to give us this assignment . . .
Hey all,
Welcome to ChicagoNow’s Blogapalooz-Hour!
Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to publish a post in one hour. Here is tonight’s challenge:
“Write about sleep and the impact it has on your life now or at any point in your life”
The point of this exercise is to do it no matter what so don’t bail. Be creative, enjoy the process. Use words, images or video. Whatever you need to tell your story.
Be aware of the time. No matter when you finish, please wait until 10 p.m. to publish. Above all, please respect the deadline.
You have one hour.
Go.
Want to read the other posts? Jimmy collected them on Storify.
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School supplies: All kids need them, but all kids can’t afford them
All across America parents are preparing to send their kids back to school (and some have already sent their kids back) and that can only mean one thing: shopping for school supplies.
I loved getting new school supplies. Picking out my Trapper Keeper; new packs of college-ruled three-hole paper; new pencils and pens; new highlighters; saving mom’s paper grocery sacks to be used as my book covers; and designing the decor for my locker. These were the things I loved each August. Have I mentioned previously how much of a geek I was growing up? Seriously, the only thing I lacked was taped together glasses.
Even in the tough years, we managed to find money for school supplies, even if it meant that I saved my summer babysitting money to buy them myself or used my Trapper Keeper (this was actually my 6th grade Trapper Keeper) from the previous year to save money.
Not every family is as fortunate as mine. In fact, families living near or below the poverty line often can’t afford school supplies. From what my friends tell me, because of budget cuts, schools place more of a burden on parents to not only purchase basic school supplies for their kids, but they often have to provide classroom supplies like hand sanitizer, paper towels, and more.
Here is the 4th grade school supply list from Princeton Elementary School in Princeton, Louisana. I did a quick run-through of Walmart online and discovered that for boys this list will cost $105.21 to $175.60 and for girls it will cost $107.07 to $176.61. I looked for gender neutral items, but at the end of the list, girls are asked to purchase certain items and boys are asked to purchase certain items. That’s the cost difference.
The bottom line is that sending kids back to school is expensive, whether you are relatively affluent or you are straddling the poverty line. For those living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to put food on the table, school supplies are far outside their budget.
Fortunately, many organizations do school supply drives and backpack giveaways. These are terrific, but in my experience, they target mostly K-8aged kids.
For little kids, there are a couple of school supply give aways happening:
The NAACP is holding a Community TOMORROW, August 15th from 12:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. in Bowen Park. They’ll be giving away 100 backpacks that contain some school supplies (but not everything kids need). The event is open to kids in grades K-12. Rosalind Franklin University will be offering a health fair and free health screenings including sports physicals, cholesterol test (12-hour fast required), blood pressure, a non-fasting glucose test. 
The First Baptist Church in Waukegan will be holding a block party on Saturday, August 22nd from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. where they’ll give away backpacks with school supplies (registration and a parent required), free haircuts, food, and much more. This event is open to the public. Now imagine you have a kid in high school where the needs are quite different. They need more durable backpacks. Depending on what math classes they take, they’ll need fancy graphing calculators; my friends tell me that the TI-84 Plus CE ($115.59 to $150 on Amazon) is the required calculator. Many schools expect that kids have access to a variety of technology tools including digital cameras, video equipment, computers, and printers at home and have required assignments that can only be produced using these items. Not to mention money for gas to get to and from internships.
Depending upon what elective classes kids are taking, there may be lots of specialized supplies needed. Here’s a list from Derby High School. Although the list is from 2009, I think it’s safe to say it’s pretty representative of what kids need.
All of this is, of course, in addition to expenses for school uniforms, gym uniforms, locks for both gym lockers and hallway lockers, yearbooks, and a parking pass*.
Of course, by the time girls are in high school, they also need feminine hygiene products. Many schools no longer have dispensers in the bathroom, so teachers have begun stockpiling these items to help out girls who can’t afford this most basic necessity. Of course, they’re doing it at their own expense. No school has a tampon budget.
Because school supplies for high school kids vary so greatly, Township High School District 214, serving the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago, encourages the donation of gift cards that counselors and schools could use to buy cold weather gear and basic and specialized school supplies. Donations for the purchase of yearbooks would also be welcome. If you’d like to make a donation to District 214, contact District 214 Education Foundation via email or by phone at 847-718-7708, or on their website.
Frankly, all high schools need donations. If you’d like to donate to your local high school, contact the principal and ask about what’s needed. And don’t forget about things like feminine hygiene products, gas cards, and other non-traditional school supplies.
Another way to support schools is to make the money you’re spending go further.
- Do you have a Target REDcard? Target will donate 1% of your purchases to a local school of your choice. Sign up here for Target.
- Are you a Heinens customer? Heinens grocery stores in Ohio and Illiinois donates 1% of purchases made between September and April to the school of your choice. Sign up here for Heinens.
- Box Tops for Education are a great way to help supplement a school’s budget. For every Box Top clipped and redeemed, Box Tops for Education will send the school 10 cents, which the schools can use to purchase whatever they need. That may not sound like much, but it adds up. Since 1996, Box Tops for Education has given $525 million to participating schools.
- Labels for Education includes Campbell soup labels and is another terrific way to help schools. Collect and turn in participating product labels to your local schools. Those labels are converted into points, which schools can use to “shop” a catalog of school supplies including academic, athletic, and art supplies.
- Amazon Smile. Raise your hand if you shop from Amazon.com. Okay, hands down. That’s everyone. Amazon has recently launched a program called Amazon Smile. You sign up for free, choose your charity, and Amazon will donate 0.5% of your eligible purchases to the organization. If your school isn’t listed, you can add it and Amazon Smile will get them set up.
Personally, I’ve designated one of the schools with high poverty rates to receive the donations from my purchases. I do this because their property tax base is so low and they’re not getting the same kind of state funding that the schools in my more affluent town are getting.
With very little effort, we can all help make a difference in the lives of kids this school year.
*Note, no matter what a senior tells you, you do not need to pay $5 for an elevator pass. Just trust me on this.
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What I know about being a good leader
I’ve been thinking a lot about the qualities of a good leader lately. Maybe I’ve been thinking about this because with last week’s GOP debate, we’re officially into the presidential election season, and our country’s most visible leader is the president. Maybe I’ve been thinking about it because I’ve been interviewing a lot lately. Maybe I’ve been thinking about it because my last post “8 tips for handling adult temper tantrums” is related to the issue. Whatever the reason, good leadership has been on my mind.
I’ve been fortunate in my life to having worked and volunteered with some wonderful examples of good and less-than-good leaders. Because I believe that leaders are made and not born, I also believe that most of us have the potential to be good leaders. I’m not saying we’re all going to be the President of the United States, but I believe that within our sphere of influence we can all be leaders.
To me, being a good leader and possessing leadership skills are less about being “the one in charge” and more about a mindset. In fact, I’ve known many people who were phenomenal leaders yet lacked the official title of president or boss, etc.
Here’s what I believe makes a great leader:
- Leaders build up their teams
- Leaders look for ways to help others grow and to be their best
- Leaders possess emotional intelligence and use it in dealing with others and making decisions
- Leaders are humble
- Leaders shut down idle gossip
- Leaders see the big picture
- Leaders know when to step back
- Leaders act with integrity
- Leaders lead by example; they walk their talk
- Leaders know when to follow
- Leaders serve their constituents and their team
- Leaders act with the focus of “what’s best for the organization?”
- Leaders listen
- Leaders know when to seek outside counsel and when to follow the advice
- Leaders know their “why” and live it through all of their decisions and actions
- Leaders build relationships
- Leaders show gratitude and recognize the achievements of others
- Leaders are solution oriented
- Leaders take risks
- Leaders take responsibility
- Leaders know that failure is part of the path to success and they willingly embrace it
- Leaders are constantly learning and are naturally curious
- Leaders do the right thing
- Leaders understand that the journey is as least as important as the destination
- Leaders inspire
- Leaders have tough conversations in a compassionate way
- Leaders make decisions
- Leaders are proactive, not reactive
- Leaders give credit where credit is due
Leaders don’t:
- act in a bossy manner (leader and bossy are not synonymous)
- gossip
- throw teammates under the bus
- act as though they are entitled
- believe “no one can do this except for me”
- spread lies
- focus on “me”
- make secret promises to gain favor
- stifle conversation, debate, or input
- work to subvert the organizational structure processes
- feel threatened by ideas of other people
- get stuck in “we’ve always done it that way” thinking
- feel insecure and threatened
- complain but refuse to take action or look for solutions
- place blame
- believe they know everything
- equate popularity with good leadership
- lead through fear and intimidation
- act passive-aggressively
- jump to conclusions
Because I think leadership skills are so important, I follow a number of thought leaders on Twitter and do a lot of reading about being a good leader. These are some of my favorite leadership sources:
- Be Leaderly: On Twitter at @BeLeaderly and their website
- Simon Sinek: On Twitter at @SimonSinek, his website, his Ted Talk “Why good leaders make you feel safe,” and his books Start with Why and Leaders Eat Last
- Lolly Daskal: On Twitter at @LollyDaskal and her website
- Timothy State: On Twitter at @TimState and Leadership is a Journey
- Michael Hyatt: On Twitter at @MichaelHyatt and Your Virtual Mentor
What do you think makes a good leader?
Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.
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8 tips for handling adult temper tantrums
Every so often we all lose our tempers. For whatever reason, we’ve had enough of being the bug smashed on the windshield of life and try as we might, we blow up. And every so often, we’re on the receiving end of someone else losing their stuff and exploding uncontrollably.
If we’re not careful, when someone explodes at us, we can get sucked into their drama and escalate the situation by yelling back. That is probably the worst thing we can do because it validates their behavior; their tantrum gets our attention, so they continue to have tantrums. The goals when faced with someone in meltdown mode are to avoid making the situation worse and to deescalate it.
I’ve found that when I’m on the receiving end of someone’s meltdown, I can usually disarm the situation by taking the following steps:
- Speak softly. Yes, this is an old trick that we’re all taught for dealing with children, but it works on adults too. When I’m speaking softly to someone who is verbally puking on me, it’s like letting the helium out of a balloon and they quickly come back to earth. No one will hear me if I’m screaming back at them, but if I’m speaking softly or at my normal volume, they have to stop shouting in order to hear what I’ve said.
- Maintain my normal cadence. The person screaming at me may be carrying on at 100 mph, but as long as I continue to speak at my normal pace and resist the urge speak faster, the situation deescalates.
- Ask questions and help the other person problem solve. What is the person really upset about? It often doesn’t have anything to do with me. Whatever I did (or they think I did) may have simply been the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m not going to tell someone what to do, but I’ll ask open-ended questions and offer a few suggestions of how the situation might be resolved.
- Take a few deep breaths before speaking. This sounds silly, but when I stop and breathe deeply through my nose rather than my mouth, I find that I’m able to maintain my composure. It’s also a little disarming to the other person because they’re essentially watching me meditate and no one expects such opposite behavior in an emotionally heated situation.
- Respect myself and my boundaries. People can be upset and scream all they want, but I don’t have to let them dump all that toxic energy onto me. I have said to people that they can be upset, but they still need to be respectful. That leads me directly to . . .
- I put myself into time out. Obviously, I can’t put another adult into time out, but I don’t have to stick around for their tantrum. As part of respecting myself and my boundaries, I’ve said that I need to walk away and would be happy to discuss the matter at a later time when everyone is calm. And then I walk away. (Bonus tip: This also works well if I feel like I could lose my temper.)
- Avoid triggers. This is complicated and really only applies when dealing with people who have known anger management issues. For example, if someone always loses their temper when they drink, I avoid having cocktails with them or serving them alcohol. It’s complicated though because if it’s obvious that I’m avoiding a specific situation, that can set someone off, as well.
- Explain why the meltdown upsets me. This cannot be done in the moment. I cannot emphasize this enough. When someone is in the middle of losing their temper, do not ever attempt to explain how their inappropriate behavior impacts you. I’ll usually do this a day or so later and in person, when possible.
Want more information about helping someone with a short fuse? There are some great resources here and here.
What are your best tips for handling adult temper tantrums?
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Tonight’s post was brought to you by the monthly ChicagoNow Blogapalooza in which all ChicagoNow bloggers wrote about the same topic for an hour and then hit publish. Community Manager Jimmy Greenfield gave us the following prompt:
Hey all,
Welcome to ChicagoNow’s Blogapalooz-Hour!
Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to publish a post in one hour. Here is tonight’s challenge:
“Write about a time you lost your temper or somebody lost their temper at you”
The point of this exercise is to do it no matter what so don’t bail. Be creative, enjoy the process. Use words, images or video. Whatever you need to tell your story.
Be aware of the time. No matter when you finish, please wait until 10 p.m. to publish. Above all, please respect the deadline.
You have one hour.
Go.
Want to read how other bloggers interpreted this topic? Click here to read the Storify.
Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.
All the cool kids sign up for the email to alert them of new posts and follow LMS on social media:
https://widget.bloglovin.com/widget/scripts/bl.js Enter your email address in the box below and clicking the “create subscription” button. This is a two-step process, so look for the confirmation email and click on the link. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.
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July 25, 2015: The day the Cubs No-Hit Streak died
As a lifelong Cubs fan, I’ve had very little to get excited about over the past 44 years. Yes, there have been some exciting playoff runs in the past four decades, but they all ended in heartache and “wait til next year.”
We had one record, however, that we could take incredible pride in because no other team came close. No, it wasn’t the fact that we’d gone 100 years without a World Series victory, Mr. Smarty Pants. Please sit down. This is a serious post.
That record was the Cubs No-Hit Streak. What’s a No-Hit Streak? Glad you asked. It’s simple: it’s the number of games since the Cubs went an entire game without getting one hit.
On September 9, 1965, Sandy Koufax prevented the Cubs from getting any hits. That was the last time it happened. Until Saturday, July 25, 2015, when Cole Hamels of the Philadelphia Phillies did what no one had done in almost 50 years.
As I mentioned, if you’re a Cubs fan, you haven’t had a lot to cheer about, but this record was ours. No other team came close. And that made every game, win or lose, special.
About 18 months ago, I was let in on a little secret (that may have actually not been a secret at all). There was a Twitter account, created in 2012, devoted to the Streak and it was run by my blogging mentor and ChicagoNow Community Manager, Jimmy Greenfield.
What Jimmy did with @CubsNoHitStreak was nothing less than a true gift to all Cubs fans. He tweeted every single day, often multiple times. He ran contests. He was witty. He educated the public on The Streak. He kept hope alive. He even created Cubs fans.
@CubsNoHitStreak My secret: I wasn’t a Cubs fan. My son was. Then I started following you and I became a Cubs fan. Thank you!!
— Diana Rapp (@drtexdi) July 26, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsTo me, it almost became less important whether or not the Cubs won a game. As long as that tweet from @CubsNoHitStreak showed up on my phone, I could rest easy. And then Saturday happened. Tweets like this started arriving:
Cubs hitless thru 2 and Hamels throwing smoke. I haven’t been this nervous since my vasectomy was done by a Dr. Vandelay. — Cubs No-Hit Streak (@CubsNoHitStreak) July 25, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsWhen this arrived, however, I knew things were serious and I turned on my tv.
The first man to extend The Streak just sang the 7th inning stretch. That’s messing with my head.
— Cubs No-Hit Streak (@CubsNoHitStreak) July 25, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsI sat on the edge of my seat praying. Surely this wouldn’t be the end. I worried for all Cubs fans. And then . . .
No. 7,921: Cole Hamels has no-hit the Cubs. The Streak dies. — Cubs No-Hit Streak (@CubsNoHitStreak) July 25, 2015
I’m telling you right now that if I hadn’t seen that amazing hit by Kris Bryant caught by center fielder, Odubel Herrera, as he dove on the warning track, I’d have never believed it. I got teary. @CubsNoHitStreak went silent, but Twitter kept on talking. Support poured out for @CubsNoHitStreak and for Jimmy. It was all class.
I wouldn’t have cared anywhere near as much about today if it weren’t for the work of whoever is behind @CubsNoHitStreak #ThankYou — Matthew Hayes (@MattHayes7282) July 26, 2015
The world wondered. What would Jimmy do with the Twitter account? Would he start documenting the new no-hit streak? Jimmy was silent on the matter until late Saturday night.
I hope this doesn’t disappoint you, but I’m not going to be tweeting the first hit of each game. The Streak is over. We have to accept that. — Cubs No-Hit Streak (@CubsNoHitStreak) July 26, 2015
However, I’m not abandoning this account. By far the best part of this has been connecting daily with rabid Cubs fans. I’m not leaving. — Cubs No-Hit Streak (@CubsNoHitStreak) July 26, 2015
As I’ve always said, winning the World Series came before The Streak. One dream is over. The other can and will only end with victory. — Cubs No-Hit Streak (@CubsNoHitStreak) July 26, 2015
And then the true love started pouring in. And Jimmy changed his mind, at least for yesterday.
No. 1: Kyle Schwarber singles with no outs in the first for the @Cubs. Only 7,919 to go! — Cubs No-Hit Streak (@CubsNoHitStreak) July 26, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsJimmy was interviewed last night Sports Feed on WGN News. As always, a class act.
Will @CubsNoHitStreak continue in its previous form documenting every game where the Cubs get at least one hit? Only one person knows for sure.
I can only imagine the range of emotions Jimmy felt this weekend, but as always, he handled it all with class and taught everyone who follows him a thing or two about overcoming adversity. At the same time, I hope he fully realizes the amount of joy he brought to Cubs fans worldwide and continues to be the voice of the next streak and the World Series run.
Thank you Jimmy!
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Watch LMS TODAY on Huffington Post Live discussing mammograms
Do you remember last fall when my first mammogram turned into a lumpectomy? I’m sure you do because I (over) shared the whole thing right here on these pages. Today I have some exciting updates:
First, after a mostly positive 6-month follow-up diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound in May, I was referred for genetic counseling and testing. I say mostly positive because they did find some fun new blips on my images and in the ultrasound that we’re now following with another mammogram in November 2015. Everyone is pretty certain these are benign cysts, but we’re going to keep an eye on them.
This past Friday, I finally had the courage to visit the surgeon to discuss the genetic counseling and testing. It turns out that it’s far less scary than I’d imagined and the counseling and testing are considered preventative medical care and fully covered by insurance under the Affordable Care Act in certain circumstances, so I have even less to worry about.
Second, and truly exciting, on Friday afternoon, I was contacted by a producer at Huffington Post Live and asked to appear on a segment today to discuss mammography. There is a new study by JAMA stating that “breast cancer has been widely over diagnosed due to an increase in mammography.” They want me to discuss my experiences. In other words, I’m going on Huffington Post Live today to talk about my breasts. Seriously.
Want to watch live? Tune your AM radio dial to Huffington Post Live at 2pm ET and you’ll see me. Oh, no, that’s not right. Okay, seriously, click the link below at 2:00 p.m. ET/1:00 p.m. CT and you can watch me.
Click here to re-read my entire breast cancer scare series.
Watch Little Merry Sunshine
on Huffington Post Live
at 1:00 p.m. CT/2:00 p.m. ET
by clicking here.Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.
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Love won. Gay marriage is now law of the land.
Unless you’ve been living in an underground bunker with zero modern conveniences, you’ve certainly heard about Friday’s Supreme Court decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, No. 14-556, slip op. (U.S. June 26, 2015) (dissenting opinions by Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito) legalizing gay marriage throughout the country by a 5-4 margin.
In writing the opinion of the majority, Justice Kennedy summed up the decision as follows:
No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they dorespect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find itsfulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.
It is so ordered.
I have many friends in the gay and lesbian community and I’m thrilled that they are finally free to love and marry freely. Frankly, some of the longest enduring and healthy relationships I know are between two men.
Can we quit calling it “traditional marriage” and “gay marriage” and just call it “marriage” now?
In response to the ruling and in honor of this weekend being Pride Weekend, Facebook created an easy way to celebrate pride and the gay marriage ruling with your Facebook profile picture. I have 451 Facebook friends and, including myself, 92 of my friends (including me) proved that although we are straight, we are allies and our relationships aren’t threatened in the slightest by allowing everyone to marry. That’s 20% of my friends standing with our LGBT friends and family. I’m certain that many more of my friends are standing on the right side of history today, even though they didn’t change their photo.
My friend Meggan, author of Trans Girl at the Cross, created a wonderful collage of her friends who were celebrating the gay marriage decision through their profile pictures. Individual pictures are great, but seeing all of us together was awe inspiring and powerful. Meggan’s collage inspired me to create my own collage. In fact, I created five collages. They’re in the photo gallery below.
Congratulations everyone and Happy Pride Weekend!
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Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.
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I’m simply the best, better than all the rest (at these 17 things)
How often do you stop and pat yourself on the best for being simply the best? If you’re anything like me, the answer is not often enough.
The truth is that none of us gets as many compliments as we need and taking stock of our talents or accomplishments is one important way to lift ourselves up when we’re down and to remember that we’re awesome. As we approach the half-way mark of 2015, let’s all take a few minutes to reflect upon our unique talents. I’ll go first.
1. No one takes better care of my mom than I do. I am patient and kind, loving and forgiving. I advocate for her when no one else does and fight hard to keep her as independent as possible.
2. I have worked really hard on myself over the past three years, have changed things I didn’t like, and learned to build on my strengths. I’ve also found ways to reduce my anxiety so that panic attacks aren’t such a regular part of my week. I did this. No one else did the work; I did it. I’m not perfect yet, but no one is.
3. I am fantastic at planning road trips. Whether it’s taking a day trip in Northern Michigan, doing something I’ve never done before, or planning a trip on Route 66 from St. Louis to Chicago, I find ways to make the journey lots of fun. As a kid, we’d take road trips, but that was simply a means to the end of getting to Nana’s house in Florida. As an adult, I’ve learned that the journey is at least as important as the destination.
4. I’m a great negotiator. Whether it’s negotiating my condo purchase price or negotiating a venue for a work event, I am superb at getting a deal that both parties feel good about.
5. I make the best oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in the world. They are the perfect combination of chewy and crunchy and feature a secret ingredient that makes them impossible to resist.
6. I make an amazing Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. I’ve mastered Mom and Nana’s recipes, making a feast fit for a king. Even less than a week after major surgery, I can still pull off a Christmas dinner that will have you crying tears of joy.
7. I make Nana’s Fruit Cake better than she did. I have a secret ingredient here that makes this better too.
8. I rock at bringing back family traditions like the Gardner Family Letter in an effort to bring our family closer. Seriously. The reviews are in. It’s getting 5-stars from everyone, except one person, but her ZERO star review is about her issues.
9. I rocked the last 26 months of new experiences. I’ve had 276 new* experiences since April 2013. I’ve played with Beluga Whales, gone on vacation alone, had a few scary medical procedures, totaled my car, met incredible people like Chris Kennedy, and generally pushed myself further outside my comfort zone than I could see a little more than two years ago. Just wait til you find out what I’ve got in store for the next 12 months. (*new experiences are defined as either completely new experiences or things I haven’t done in at least 10 years)
10. No one is better than I am at tearing me down. Want to verbally beat me up for screwing something up? Get in line. I’ve already done a much better job than you’ll ever do. I’m working on this one because I don’t like it and I need to learn to be nicer to me. Fortunately, this exercise helped.
11. No one would have been a better mom to Betsey and Ross or could be a better mom to Sammy and Zoey than I am. Seriously, it’s a crime that I never had kids. I am a great mom.
12. I am the best at having opinions. And I have an opinion on EVERYTHING. I’m working on sharing them less.
13. I sing in the car better than anyone else ever will. So you can just stop trying now.
14. Just like Chumbawamba, “I get knocked down But I get up again You’re never gonna keep me down.“ You can try your best to keep me down, but like a Weeble, I’m going to just pop back up.
15. I’m a rockstar at unhooking and fixing my bra in a gas station parking lot without giving anyone a free show. What’s ironic is that I’m unable to walk through a gas station parking lot without tripping and flashing everyone.
16. I believe in the good of others and their potential forever. Need a cheerleader? Just call. I’m your girl.
17. I’m humble. HAHAHAHA Just kidding.
This blog post has been brought to you by ChicagoNow‘s monthly Blogapalooz-Hour exercise. Blogapalooz-Hour, formerly known as Blogapalooza, is a monthly “get together” of the ChicagoNow bloggers where we gather around our individual computers at 9:00 p.m. on the last Wednesday of the month waiting for our fearless leader and overlord, Jimmy Greenfield, send us the topic we are to write about for the next 60 minutes. At 10:00 p.m., we hit publish. No. Matter. What.
Tonight’s email from Jimmy:
Hey all,
Welcome to ChicagoNow’s Blogapalooz-Hour!
Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to publish a post in one hour. Here is tonight’s challenge:
“Without trying to be humble, write about something you’re really good at.” Whether it’s parenting, knowing how to use the CTA, talking backwards or even making a great peanut butter & jelly sandwich pick something that you know you’re good at. Consider a list as well if you can’t keep it to just one thing.
The point of this exercise is to do it no matter what so don’t bail. Be creative, enjoy the process. Use words, images or video. Whatever you need to tell your story.
Be aware of the time. No matter when you finish, please wait until 10 p.m. to publish. Above all, please respect the deadline.
You have one hour.
Go.
Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.
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I received a Pay It Forward and it FREAKED ME OUT
We’re all familiar with the idea of “pay it forward” where one person performs a random act of kindness for another person with the hope that the recipient will be inspired to “pay it forward” and perform a random act of kindness for someone else in the future. We may have seen the movie, probably performed our share of pay it forward activities, and certainly heard about numerous pay it forward activities in the media.
Personally, I love performing random acts of kindness. I love surprising someone with a nicety that comes from a place of unconditional love and with no desire or willingness to receive something in return other than a thank you. I’ve provided meals to homeless people, paid for a meal for the person behind me in the drive-thru, created and distributed Homeless Helper Bags, delivered cupcakes to a friend at work anonymously when she was having a rough day, paid the toll for the person behind me (in the lane to get change and long before the iPass made this impossible), and more.
I think I do more giving than receiving of random acts of forward and I suspect that most of us believe that we give more than we get. I, for one, am perfectly okay with that.
That changed on Friday.
As I was driving home from eight glorious days in Michigan, I ran through the McDonald’s drive-thru in Muskegon to get a Diet Coke. Whatever you think of McDonald’s, they have the best Diet Coke in the world. The line was long, but I was listening to a great podcast and not in any hurry, so I sat in my car (don’t lecture me about how this was increasing my carbon footprint because you’ve done it too). I placed my order and proceeded to the cashier.
I handed the cashier exactly $1.59 for my large Diet Coke (evidently Michigan doesn’t do any size drink for $1.00 like we do in Illinois) and prepared to move to the next window, receive my Diet Coke, and get back on the road. Before I could pull forward though, the cashier reached out with cash in his hand and said, “Here’s $3.00 as part of Pay It Forward.”
Huh? I was in shock and didn’t want to take the money.
The first thought that ran through my head was, “Dude, by giving me $3.00 on my $1.59 purchase, McDonald’s just lost $1.41 on this transaction. Keep your money.” I knew that wasn’t right though.
My next thought was, “Son, I gave you exact change. If you think you owe me money, please call your local Board of Education and ask to retake addition and subtraction.” But I knew that wasn’t right either.
Finally, my brain kicked into gear, I accepted the money, and sincerely said thank you.
But I was still confused. Was Ashton Kutcher about to hop out from behind a bush and tell me I’d been punked? Was a reporter from Dateline about to stick a microphone in my car window, tell me this was all on camera, and the world was about to learn I was a jerk who didn’t hand the money back to pay it forward for the person behind me?
What was the catch? There is always a catch in life.
My body physically tightened up from anxiety, my heart was racing, and I kept looking all around for someone to come take the money away. I couldn’t even put the money in my wallet; it just sat in my drink holder next to the Diet Coke. I didn’t begin to calm down until I pulled out of the McDonald’s and back onto U.S. 31 South.
The thoughts in my head didn’t stop though. Why was I given this money? What was the catch? When is the other shoe going to drop? Am I a jerk because I didn’t hand it back like it was a hot potato saying, “Thank you, but please us it to pay for the person’s order behind me.” Was this a test that I just failed?
But then the thoughts changed. I realized that this was a simple act of unconditional love, pay it forward, random act of kindness. I’ve done enough of this in my life for others and I should be able to accept a simple $3.00 without looking at it with deep suspicion, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t accept a simple act of unconditional love.
My reaction wasn’t about $3.00. My reaction was entirely about how I receive unconditional love. More accurately, my reaction was about how I don’t accept unconditional love directed towards me. That’s heavy.
In that moment, I realized what muscle I need to develop in my 44th year. I will learn how to accept unconditional love this year.
Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.
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Fix your mass marketing emails or lose me as a customer
If you’re like me, you receive at least a few mass marketing emails from organizations you enjoy hearing from. These could be emails from clubs or philanthropic organizations, airlines, political groups, educational or business training organizations, etc. For the most part, these are not spam emails because they’re from organizations you want to hear from.
Based on what arrives in my inbox, the good folks sending these marketing emails seem to be unaware of how many organizations send out emails and that we’re all on information overload.
I’m not a professional marketer, but I am a consumer and I’ve written my share of newsletters and event invitations. In that vein, I have five tips for anyone sending out mass marketing emails that will make me (and most likely many others) a happier consumer who wants to continue to do business with the organizations behind the emails.
Tip #1 Send me the promo code with the email. Recently I received an invitation to an event that I could attend for free as part of a special subset of invitees. Here’s what I went through to register for the event:
- Click the link in the email to register;
- Fill out the registration form;
- Form asks for my credit card for the event I’ve been invited to attend for free;
- Find a note at the bottom of the form that says IF I qualify to attend for free to contact the organization for the promo code;
- Contact the organization via email;
- Wait for a reply, which I received 2 days later while out grocery shopping (interestingly, email from customer service with the promo code says an email with the promo code will go out to all eligible for free attendance in a couple of days);
- Add “register for event” to my never-ending to do list when I get home;
- Forget to register for event for another couple of days;
- Finally, sit down to register for the event with the promo code and all goes smoothly. I’d have been irritated if the event had been sold out when I was finally able to register.
There’s a better way to send out the invitation. Split the email into two lists: those eligible to attend for free and those who need to pay. Create the email for those who need to pay and send it to the appropriate list. Copy the first email, change a little text, add the promo code, and send it to those eligible to attend for free.
This is a 5-minute process. I know because I’ve sent out my share of these emails. Spending these few minutes on the front end will give you happier customers for the long-term. Make my life easy and I’ll continue doing business with you.
Tip #2 Stop sending so many damn emails. I have received
threefour (just got another one) emails in two hours from one organization this morning. That’s on top of the two I received yesterday and the two the day before. Just stop.Tip #3 Give me the option to choose how many and what kinds of emails I want to receive via user preferences. If you’re using an email provider like Constant Contact, there must be options for receiving digests that could be auto-sent, creating no extra work for employees. Here are the options I’d like: all emails, weekly digests, and unsubscribe. If the only options are receiving 4 emails from you daily or none at all, I’m choosing none and you’ve lost a customer.
Tip #4 Create emails that are phone and tablet responsive. The odds are good that most of your audience is reading their email on a phone or tablet. Emails created only for reading on a computer are hell to read on a mobile device. Most email programs today offer the option to have an email auto formatted for mobile users. If yours doesn’t, you need to change your email provider.
Tip #5 SHUT UP. In 1656, Blaise Pascal is supposed to have written “I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.” Take the time. The four emails I received this morning had 389, 404, 556, and 855 words in them. Yes, I counted. That’s too many. Keep your email simple and put most of the information on the event registration or product information website. If I’m reading on my phone, I can’t possibly read all that info.
On behalf of all emails readers, I thank you in advance for heeding this advice.
Do you enjoy reading Little Merry Sunshine? Of course you do.
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Jessica L Gardner 