We need to have a serious discussion. It has come to my attention that some of you have not yet begun to shop for my birthday, which is just six weeks away. That’s like tomorrow!

Knowing that you want to get me the perfect birthday gift, I’ve taken it upon myself to make a few suggestions for you. No, no, no. I’m not registering anywhere. That would be tacky. I’m just going to give you a detailed list here. You know what to do with it.

Nothing on my list will surprise you if you’re familiar with the fact that, as my dad recently told me, Jessica was recently named as the #2 top name of Gold Diggers, only behind Jennifer. I’ve got to do my part to uphold such a prestigious honor.*

1. Le Grand Rêve in Winnetka. In just 2 1/2 short years, I’ve outgrown my condo. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m fine, but Sammy and Zoey need more space. This grand estate is only $18.7 million, but it’s got $92 per month HOA fees, so it’s a bargain. What do you get for $18.7 million? Six bedrooms, six full bathrooms plus six half-baths, a pool, two kitchens, a fountain, a massage room, a gym, a library (no late fees!!!), an elevator, and heated floors. Yes, I know that $18.7 million is a lot of money, but it’s really a steal. This house was originally for sale for $32 million in 2009. I’m saving you $14 million. Oh, please make sure the geese in the kitchen are included. I can’t live without them.

2. Prince Harry. Yes, I know, he’s not “for sale.” And I wouldn’t want you to pay him to fall in love with me anyway. He is, however, single. Yes, I can handle all the responsibilities as a member of the Royal Family. I already have multiple tiaras, I speak the language, and I know all about which fork to use, when, and why. Many of you have wicked persuasive skills and this is the perfect time to put them to good use. I have faith in you.

3. A 2014 Rolls Royce Phantom Sedan. Yes, I know that it doesn’t include heated back seats, but I can get over that and get it fixed easily. Because this car is used, please have it checked out by my mechanic before you sign on the dotted line and make the seller fix any problems. I’ll obviously also need a driver.

4. Portillo’s. Portillo’s is for sale and we must do everything we can to maintain the purity of this Chicago institution. This gift isn’t really for me. It’s for all of us. We’ve seen Marshall Field’s destroyed by Macy’s and the Ricketts aren’t exactly winning any popularity contests with their ownership of the Cubs. As the owner of Portillo’s, I promise to keep it exactly as we all love it today, although I’ll do something to speed up drive-thru service. Best hotdogs and italian beef in Chicago owned by a Chicagoan who won’t destroy it. That’s what we need.

5. The Bibliochaise and Bibliopouf. I love books. I have about 10 gazillion bazillion (it’s a number, look it up) books, but I lack space for them all. I don’t have my own private library, which is why I really need gift suggestion #1 above. Until I can figure out a way to create the library I truly want, the Bibliochaise and Bibliopouf are the perfect compromise. I love their efficiency. They’re a chair and an ottoman! No! They’re bookshelves! No! They’re BOTH!

So there you have it. Five outstanding ideas to assist you in your birthday gift shopping for me.

*I’m not sure why my dad shared this information with me because, in all seriousness, I am not a Gold Digger. If I’m supposed to be, I’ve failed miserably and I couldn’t be prouder of that fact.

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