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Mental Health Awareness Month: 10 things I know about mental illness
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and although millions and millions of families are affected by mental health issues, I have found that mental illness is one of the least talked about topics. In fact, I would go so far as to call it taboo.
My family is no stranger to mental illness and how it wreaks havoc. As I’ve recently discovered, various degrees of mental illness go back generations.
This post isn’t about my family in particular and I’m not going to get into specifics. That’s a whole series of blog posts for another day. I only share with you that I have personal experience in this area in order to let you know that I know of what I speak. I’m also not a mental health professional and my statements below are my opinions, based on my experience.
- People with mental illness are not stupid or lazy. Some of the most intelligent and most accomplished people in the world have suffered from mental illness. Abraham Lincoln, Ernest Hemingway, Vincent Van Gogh, Michelangelo, Sylvia Plath, and Vivien Leigh are just a few people who are known to have suffered from mental illness and no one would call them stupid or lazy.
- People with mental illness don’t want your pity or to be condescended to. First and foremost, people with mental illness want and deserve to be treated with respect. Take your cues from them. Be patient. They can’t always get their thoughts out quickly, but by being patient and not rushing or cutting them off shows respect, treats them with dignity, and re-enforces their value as people.
- Mental illness is not a personal failing. Most mental illness is caused by some sort of hormonal mix-up (yep, that’s a medical phrase). Yes, there are things we can do to ward off mental illness, but we cannot control it completely. Mental illness isn’t caught like the flu; you can’t get it by associating with someone who is mentally ill. It is, however, genetic. That means that if mental illness runs in your family, you need to be aware of it, understand your pre-disposal, and act accordingly. Mental illness is no one’s “fault” and in no way makes the person with mental illness less worthy of love.
- Mental illness isn’t necessarily permanent. A person who suffers from depression or anxiety (or other mental illnessess) may be suffering from situational depression or anxiety. For example, a person may be dealing with the death of a loved one and normal grief, but their grief may morph into clinical depression. Through treatment, they can recover completely. However, one severely depressive episode makes them more likely to have another. Additionally, even people who suffer from more chronic mental illness can learn tools to help deal with their illness and live a fully productive life.
- The best way you can help someone with mental illness is to listen. Listen. Don’t judge. Don’t say things like “you’re just crazy” or “I simply can’t handle being your friend because you suffer from mental illness.” Offer assistance like a hot meal or to run an errand or help the person get to their doctor’s appointment. Trust me, people with mental illness often don’t want to be around themselves either. You get to go home at night or end the phone call and go back to your life. I’m not saying don’t draw boundaries. You should. Boundaries are healthy and can help the person with mental illness too. They need a strong support group.
- Getting help for mental illness is not shameful. It’s a sign of strength. If you know someone who needs help, be encouraging to them. You would never tell someone with cancer not to seek help. Why would you suggest to someone suffering from anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness that it’s bad to get help or make fun of them for doing seeking help? Sometimes they may need a helpful nudge to get help. You might offer to take them to their first few appointments or have dinner with them after their sessions so they don’t just immediately go back to an empty house and focus on their the issues they’re working on and become (more) depressed.
- There are many different types of treatment for mental illness. Sometimes hospitalization is required, but most treatments for mental illness are done on an out-patient basis, working with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, or Psychologist (collectively “therapist”). You and your therapist may choose from traditional psychotherapy (aka talk therapy), Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), group therapy, and others. Often multiple types of treatment are used together for the best results.
- Taking medication is not a sign of failure. Depending on the illness and the severity of it, medication can be incredibly helpful. Yes, there can be non-medication solutions for the long-term, but medication can also help to get a person regulated in order to them move them to more natural or non-medication solutions. No treatment for mental illness, whether talk therapy or medication, works immediately. It all takes time and medications may need to be adjusted, either by changing dosages or changing the medication, in order to find just the right mix for you.
- Caregivers need support too. I’ve had friends, family, and significant others leave when they learned that I’m involved with my mom’s caregiving. That’s really hurtful. Some have told me why, but most haven’t. Most have just left only to let me speculate or find out from a mutual friend why I lost someone I considered my friend. The most hurtful thing I’ve ever heard was the night my mom slit her wrists and I called a friend to say I couldn’t go out that night because I was cleaning up all the chaos at my mom’s house before my grandmother arrived in 18 hours for my brother’s high school graduation. I was cleaning up blood and much more. My mom was in lockdown at the hospital where they watch you 24/7 to prevent another suicide attempt. My friend’s response to me was, “Oh, I know exactly what you’re going through. My mom’s going through menopause.” It wasn’t even remotely the same thing. What I needed at that moment was dinner and some help. Needless to say, I didn’t speak to that friend for months and our relationship is still strained 20+ years later. The kindest words you can say to a caregiver going through a crisis with their family member are “can I bring you dinner?” or “let’s just go for a walk.” Luckily, I now have my own incredible support group.
- If you’re a caregiver, you can’t be fully effective unless you’re taking care of you. Seek out counseling if you need to. Find friends who will support you. Not to listen to you bitch and complain, but who will really be there. Most importantly, however, you need to eat right, exercise, sleep, and whatever helps you feel centered. You won’t be effective or a good role model unless you care for yourself. Learn about mental illness so that you can provide your loved one with the best care. Take the Family-to-Family program through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).
If you’re struggling with mental illness and having suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by calling 911.
In the Lake Forest/Lake Bluff area, we have a depression and suicide text line. Anyone can text the phrase “847HELP” to 274637 anytime 24/7/365. A mental health professional will text you back to continue the conversation. Most communities have similar phone or text helplines.
NAMI also has many resources for the person with mental illness, family members, friends, and other caregivers. Many of their resources are free or a nominal cost. I’ve personally found NAMI to be an enormous gift in my life.
Mental illness will always be a taboo topic unless people talk about it. I know too many people who are afraid to admit that they are in therapy, that they have suffered from mental illness, and/or that they have family members who suffer from mental illness. I’ve been one of those people for far too long. The conundrum is that unless we talk about mental illness and own it, it will remain in the shadows and taboo. That only serves to further isolate people who have mental illness or who feel they would benefit from some help, even temporary help.
Did you enjoy this post? Read my other posts about mental illness, 17 Ways to Help Yourself When You Have Mental Illness and End Mental Illness Stigma, Save Lives.
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Beware: Microsoft Tech Support Scam
Yesterday morning I received a phone call from a gentleman claiming to be from Microsoft Tech Support. He informed me that their servers had received notification from my computer that my computer had been corrupted by some sort of malware or viruses that would render my computer unusable unless I allowed him to help me fix it. The call was from a Texas phone number and he had a very thick accent that was difficult to understand.
As you can imagine, I was immediately a little suspicious because he did not address me by name and did not tell me his name. He just immediately launched into his spiel when I answered the phone.
I was in my car and no where near my computer, but even if I had been, I would have done what I did next. I began asking him questions: What was my name? What kind of computer did I have? What was his name? What was the specific name of the malware or virus that was on my computer?
His reply? He hung up on me.
I immediately took to Facebook and posted the following:
POSSIBLE NEW COMPUTER SCAM ALERT: Just received a call from a Texas number from a guy (who would not give his name) who claimed to be part of Windows Tech Support. He said their servers had notified him that my computer was corrupted and if I would log on to it, he would walk me thru fixing it. When I began asking him questions about what kind of computer I had, what my name was, what his name was, what the alleged infection was, etc he hung up on me. Anyone else get these calls?
My friends were quick to respond, just as I knew they would because I have the most brilliant friends on the planet. Plus, crowdsourcing works. A number of my friends had received similar calls and responded in the same way I did. My cousin Elesha informed me that the Microsoft Tech Support Scam (aka Windows Tech Support Scam) was, in fact, a well documented scam and I could find more information about it on the Microsoft website. Kristin advised me to report the scam to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) because this is a serious matter that is being investigated. Janet provided the most comprehensive information about the scam with a link to an article from Wired.com, What happens if you play along with a Microsoft ‘tech support’ scam?
According to the article, the Microsoft Tech Support Scam has been around since 2008. For people who become victims of the scam, the caller walks them through a series of steps to “prove” their computer is filled with dangerous malware. It ends with the victim paying about $299 to the caller and then allowing the caller remote access to the victim’s computer. At this point, the caller installs malware and often deletes files (i.e., your documents, etc.) from the victim’s computer, which, of course, the victim can’t get back.
The author of the Wired.com article recorded the call he received and posted it on YouTube to warn others of the scam. The shocking video is below. It’s almost 30 minutes, but well worth watching.
I’m really grateful that I had the wherewithal to not fall for the Microsoft Tech Support Scam, but many people are falling for it. I imagine that the elderly, who are not as computer savvy, are especially susceptible.
What can you do if you receive this call?
- Know that Microsoft would never call you.
- Do not take any steps the caller suggests, ESPECIALLY allowing the caller to have remote access to your computer or giving out your passwords. No legitimate company will ever ask you for this information.
- Hang up on the caller if the person gets abusive or asks for your personal information.
- Make sure your phone number is on the National Do Not Call Registry and file a complaint there.
- File another complaint at the FTC’s site for scams.
Here’s more information about the scam from the FTC.
Keep yourself and your loved ones safe by sharing this post.
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Advice to new graduates: Create a legacy
My family has a three generation history of delivering commencement addresses. First, my Nana was the valedictorian of her Batesville High School (now South Panola High School) Class of 1933. In 1966, my mom delivered her commencement speech, What I’ve Willed I’ll Do, at Tarpon Springs High School. In 1969, her brother and my uncle Michael, was the commencement speaker at his graduation from Tarpon Springs High School. Finally, in 1984, I was selected to be a commencement speaker at my graduation from Thomas Junior High School (now Thomas Middle School).
A couple of years ago I transcribed my mom’s graduation speech on my original blog. This year, I presented her original speech to her along with her commencement program as part of her Mother’s Day gift. I found the speech and the program while cleaning out Nana’s house and have been waiting for the right moment to give them to my mom.
At the same time I found my mom’s graduation speech, I found the one delivered by my Uncle Michael and I share it below because I believe he’s got a terrific message about creating a legacy and making the world a better place. I share it exactly as he wrote it – typos and all.
Graduation Speech by Michael E. Paulk, June 6, 1969, Tarpon Springs High School
Mr. Wright, faculty members, mothers, fathers, and finally but most important of all, fellow seniors. We, who are graduating tonight, are about to set sail upon the greatest adventure of our lives. The greatest because, this adventure is our Life. This adventure will end only when God calls us to him again. But before that time there will be numerous ports-of-call.
As we embark upon this adventure, there seems to be one question that is always asked, “What will we do with our lives?” Will we be shanghaied into some backwater port, where the ships are rusty and their hulls green from slime in the water? or will we sail, with all sails full and thug before the wind, into Wakiki Bay, and anchor among trim hulls, with woodwork freshly painted, and metalwork freshly burnished? We are at a time in life where we must choose which way to steer. As Shakespeare wrote in his play Julius Caesar,
There is a Tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.For twelve years now, our teachers and parents have been teaching us what they have found useful in plotting the courses of their lives. They have tried to teach us how to navigate, not only the calm seas of life, but also the tempest tossed, the rock strewn, and the shoal cluttered seas that we will have to cross.
Needless to say, we will not all steer the same course in our passage. Some of us will become doctors or plumbers, some ministers, or soldiers, and some scientists or businessmen.
Each of us, as the saying is, will be “doing our own thing.” But we should not do our own thing only for ourselves. William James once said, “The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that outlasts it.” And Louis O. Caldwell wrote, “Everyone needs to be gripped by a deeply absorbing purpose that will give direction, power, and meaning to his life. A meaningful life becomes possible when a person believes that his activities and relationships are directly and vitally connected to the goals he values. Ambition and responsible behavior result when these goals seem supremely worthwhile and attainable.”
What goal can each senior of 1969 set for himself? Some of you would promptly say, “That’s an easy question to answer. Fame and fortune, of course.” But let us remember the words of Kipling, spoken to a graduation class in Canada. “Don’t put too much emphasis on fame and fortune. Someday you will meet a man who needs none of these things, and then you will know how poor you are.” Another reason why just fame and fortune should not be set as a goal for our lives was given by Horace Mann, who is called by many the Father of the American Public School System. He once said, “Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity!” This is not to say that fame and fortune cannot be a victory for a humanity. For fame and fortune as earned by Doctor David Livingstone, George Washington Carver, or <there’s a blank here in the original>, were indeed victories for humanity. But when one puts the acquirement of personal fame and fortune before mankind’s needs, he is fighting against humanity, not for humanity.
There is one thing though, that each of us, whether we become a doctor, a businessman, or a carpenter, can all set as a goal. That is universal peace.
“London Bobby and man jumping from bridge.”
Increased mechanization of life.
Racial strife.
Population explosion and food shortage.
Lawlessness.
Word-wide unrest, communist aggression, threat of thermonuclear war.
Both jumped off bridge.Our world is in pretty bad shape. Mankind, today, is on the verge of conquering outer space. In just two months he will be standing on the moon, a few years later, the planets, and just a few years after that, he will be aiming for the stars. With the destructive power man now possesses, and with the destructive power he gains each day; if he does not solve the problem of peace on this planet, he will merely stay the destruction of this planet and himself, to destroy the whole Universe and himself.
What is this peace that is so essential to the continuation of mankind? The Funk and Wagnall’s New College Standard Dictionary defines peace in this manner: “Peace (noun) 1. A state of quiet or tranquillity; freedom from disturbance or agitation; calm; repose. 2. Specifically, absence or cessation of war. 3. General order and tranquillity; freedom from riot or violence. 4. A state of reconciliation after strife or enmity; peaceable or friendly relations; agreement; concord. 5. Freedom from mental agitation or anxiety. 6. Spiritual content.”
This then is what mankind must attain. But what can we seniors do to help in the quest? Of the many things we can do, tonight let us think on three.
First, as John F. Kennedy once told us; “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country.” Second, we can heed the words of advice given to us by Joseph Addison, “make perseverance your wise counselor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian genius.” And third, we can do as the great Phillips Brooks once said, “Oh do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be strong men and women. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work will be no miracle; but you will be the miracle.”
If we heed these three, we will be spending our lives for something that outlasts it. And we will win universal peace.
In closing let us think upon, ——-no,—— let us be challenged by these words of John F. Kennedy:
Today, my uncle is the father of two grown sons, Jesse and Ryan, and a doctor who saves lives. I’d say he’s fulfilled his goal of creating a legacy and making a difference in the world.
_________
Quotes from:
President Kennedy quote about asking what you can do for your country from his January 20, 1961 Inaugural Address.
President Kennedy quote about peace from the September 20, 1963 Address to the General Assembly of the United Nations in New York.
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Advice to new graduates: Invest for retirement NOW
Welcome to the real world grads! No, no, no. Not the Real World, the REAL WORLD. The one where you become financially independent (hopefully, sooner rather than later), work at a job (ideally one that’s full-time, in your desired field, and has benefits), live on your own (your mom is begging you to do this), save for retirement, and create your own life.
It’s a fun and exciting time. It can also be an overwhelming time. Suddenly you’ve got all the choices you’ve ever wanted, but you own the consequences of those choices too. You can stay out all night long on a Tuesday, but you still need to show up to work on Wednesday morning, even in your hungover state. Trust me, just say no to this plan. At least stop drinking early in the night because there’s nothing worse than going to work hungover when you also haven’t had any sleep. So I’ve heard.
If your first weeks and months in the real world are like mine were, you’re receiving lots of advice. Create a budget and stick to it. Take your lunch to work so you don’t blow your paycheck on eating every meal out. Live beneath your means. Buy insurance now. Develop healthy relationships.
It’s all excellent advice and you should take it all. You think you know it all, but like the rest of us who were ever your age, you don’t.
The most important advice that I beg you to listen to is this: Invest in your retirement now.
Taking care of your money now will allow you to reap benefits for decades to come. Yes, you grew up in a generation with almost instant gratification via text messaging, smart phones, fast food, instant streaming, and much more. The problem with instant gratification is that it’s all about the here and now. There is no thought given to tomorrow or six months or sixty years from now. Now that you’re in the real world, though, it’s time to learn about and focus on delayed gratification and learn it quickly.
I know you’re 22 and you think you’ve got 100 years to save, but you don’t. Those years between now and 65 (or whenever you decide to retire) are going to fly by and life just gets more expensive. Right now, you’re probably single without kids or pets, you don’t drive an expensive car, and you probably aren’t worried about house maintenance costs because you’re renting and splitting the rent with a few roommates. Eventually though, you’re probably going to get married, have a kid or two, get a pet, drive a few cars, take fancy vacations (that your parents won’t pay for), and buy a house.
If you don’t start saving for your retirement now, you’ll regret it later on. And you’ll regret it in a very very big way.
Let me tell you a little story from my own life.
When I was 22 and going through the on-boarding process at my first job, a very nice human resources person reviewed my benefits package with me and told me about this thing called a 401(k). I had no idea what this was and depended on her to educate me. My parents and grandparent hadn’t told me about it — they came from a generation with a pension fund provided entirely by their company. Their advice was get a job with a good pension and open a savings account with a rainy day fund.
The nice HR lady told me that I could put pre-tax money into a 401(k) account via direct deposit from each paycheck and my company would match what I invested up to a certain percent. I don’t remember what that percent was and it’s not important. She then explained a concept called vesting to me. Vesting, as I understood it, was the amount of time I had to stay at the company before any of this money — that is the money I personally invested and the matching funds contributed by my company — was really mine. The vesting time at my company was five years.
I had no plans to remain at my company for five years and, having gotten a B- in my Econ 101 class, I knew that putting money into something where I’d lose 100% of my investment if I left in two or three years, was definitely a bad investment. So I didn’t do it.
Fast forward to five years and one day later when I left my firm. That’s right. I stayed at my company for five years and one day. And during all of that time, I never invested in the 401(k). I would have been fully vested on my five year anniversary, but I wasn’t because I didn’t invest.
Why didn’t I invest? Let’s look at the mistakes I made:
- I did not know anything about a 401(k) and I relied solely on what I heard the HR person say. She probably was not an investment expert and probably didn’t know much more than I knew. Why I was relying on her for educating me? I should have done my own research and contacted someone at my company’s 401(k) company to confirm what I heard and make sure I understood.
- I misunderstood the definition of vesting. This small misunderstanding has resulted in a large financial loss to me (see below). What I understood from my five minute meeting with HR. If I left the company sooner than five years, I’d lose not only what my company matched, but also all the money I invested in the 401(k). That is simply not what vesting means.
- Based on my misunderstanding and the fact that I planned to leave my company in just two or three years, I did not invest.
My biggest mistake was completely misunderstanding how vesting works.
Here’s how it actually works: You invest money into your 401(k), which you’ve carefully diversified to mitigate your risk, and your company matches a certain percentage. If you leave prior to the date on which you become vested (make sure you know exactly when this is), you’ll lose only the portion your company contributes. The money you’ve invested is still yours. A slight difference from what I thought, but one that makes all the difference.
What would have happened if I’d invested in a 401(k) 21 years ago when I graduated from college? Let’s do the math. We’ll use simple numbers.
If I’d invested $2,000 each year for the five years, and my company matched the $2,000 each year (for a total of $4,000 invested each year), when I left after 5 years and 1 day, I’d have $20,000 assuming I had chosen the most conservative guaranteed investment option.
But let’s look at it a little differently. If that same money had been invested monthly through my paycheck for five years, that’s $333.33 per month ($4,000 annual contribution by me and my company spread out over 12 months), with an average return rate of 5%, today (21 years later) that $20,000 would be worth $50,658.92, even if I’d never invested another penny after leaving my first job.
If I choose to retire at age 67 and never added another penny to that initial $20,000 investment over 5 years, still assuming an average rate of return of 5%, I’d have $163,380.07 in 45 years. If I’d earned an average rate of return of 10% for 45 years (from age 22 to 67) on that initial $20,000, I’d have $1,215,762.28 at age 67.
Think I’m wrong? Check my math and see how your investments will grow here.
Because I didn’t understand vesting, I made somewhere between a $163,380.07 and $1,215,726.28 mistake. $163,380.07 isn’t enough to fund anyone’s retirement, but $1.2 million is a hell of a nice nest egg.
Pay yourself first by saving for your retirement. If you take your lunch everyday rather than eating out, you’ll save approximately $10 daily. Take that $10 each weekday and you’ve got $200 or so each month. Invest it aggressively for the long-term (you’re young, you can and should take risks) through an automatic investment from your paycheck and you won’t even miss the money.
Would you rather have the instant gratification of a salad at Panera today or delay your gratification and know that you can retire in a financially secure position?
I thought so.
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Letters to a new mom: A ChicagoNow series
Over the course of this week, ChicagoNow bloggers have come together to provide our collective wisdom to new moms. This series came to be thanks to the efforts of Mary Tyler Mom. It was her suggestion and it caught on like wildfire. To date, there are 41 posts by both moms and non-moms alike.
As I’ve read the posts, what I’ve found is that although they’re all geared towards new moms, they all carry life advice that’s applicable to everyone. Whether you’re a new mom, an experienced mom, a dad, or a non-mom, read these posts. I promise you’ll walk away feeling good about yourself and with at least a few nuggets to make you the best you possible.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. Moms to children (even adult ones). Moms to pets. Moms to parents. Aunts. Cousins. Sisters. Caregivers. Teachers. Dads. You’re all moms in my book.
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Letter to a new mom on Mother’s Day: Healthy relationships start with you
ChicagoNow bloggers are joining forces today in support of new moms as they celebrate their first Mother’s Day, although the advice below is just plain good life advice for everyone. Want to read all the posts written for Mother’s Day? We’ve Storified them and you can find them all here.
Dear New Mom,
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. I can only imagine the amount of happiness this has brought you and your family.
This Mother’s Day, my gift to you is a bit of advice to help you be the best mom you can be.
You may be wondering what a single girl without kids can tell you about motherhood. Well, my qualification comes from being a daughter, big sister, cousin, granddaughter, and friend to people with kids. In addition to all of that, I’ve lived for more than a few years and we’ll just leave it at that. From that perspective, I fully I’m qualified to give you this advice.
Have only healthy relationships. Including the one you have with yourself.
Yes, this should sound obvious, but it’s not to everyone.
Your kids are sponges. They see, hear, and sense everything. They may not have words for what they observe or sense and they may not say anything to you, but that doesn’t mean that when you are mistreated they are oblivious to it. They aren’t. Trust me.
You need that job and you can laugh off the unwanted sexual advances by your boss. You want to prove your friend who said your marriage would never last because your then fiance belittled you constantly that she was wrong. That girlfriend has been like a sister to you and you can’t leave her now when she needs you the most, even though she’s an angry alcoholic who flies off the rails constantly and refuses to get help. He doesn’t hit you that often and when he does, you deserve it.
I get it.
Do you know what all of that is? Lies. Damn lies. They are the lies we tell ourselves to justify being in unhealthy relationships longer than we should be in them. Those are just examples of unhealthy relationships. Lord knows there are many many many more unhealthy relationships than I have time to write or you have time to read. You know what I’m talking about.
Here’s the thing: Your kids see how that guy in your life emotionally or physically abuses you, that girlfriend who has become a shadow of her former self, and that boss who gives you the creeps. They see it all and they think it’s acceptable behavior because you tolerate it.
Yes, you tell them that they should stay out of unhealthy relationships, but you don’t and they remember what you did, not what you said. Your actions speak so loudly they can’t hear your words.
Letting people mistreat you teaches your daughter what she should accept as a woman. Being treated poorly by a man teaches your son acceptable ways to treat women.
Is that what you want for your kids? Of course not. You want your kids to have only healthy loving relationships with people deserving of their awesomeness. You want your kids to never suffer emotionally or physically. You want your kids to know they have value and are loved unconditionally.
Obviously, some heartbreak in life is inevitable. Relationships end for a variety of reasons and that inflicts pain. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Relationships that are fundamentally painful, where you feel like you’re trying to fit a round peg into a square hole or where you find yourself constantly apologizing for your mere existence, are unhealthy and they are optional.
You don’t have to exist within those relationships. You are worth better and your kids deserve to see their mom loved and honored the way every single human being should be loved and treated.
What do you do if you’ve gone your whole life in emotionally and or physically abusive relationships, but you want to break the cycle?
- Love yourself first. Self care is the most important thing you can do. When you take care of yourself, you show yourself, your kids, and others that you have value. If you don’t currently truthfully love yourself, you’ll need to practice this. Practice it. It’s worth it and is key to having healthy relationships.
- Evaluate your relationships. All of them. Ask yourself honestly if the relationship builds you up or tears you down. If you feel good and energized when you’re with the other person, those are signs of a good relationship. But if you feel belittled and berated, if the other person has anger issues or harasses you in any way, if you feel like all the energy is sucked out of you every time you’re with the other person, or if you’re being physically abused, you are in an unhealthy relationship. This step is crucial because if you lie to yourself about the answers or make excuses about them (see above), then you’ll remain stuck in those unhealthy relationships.
- Get out of physically abusive relationships immediately. If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, seek help at a facility set up to provide women in domestic violence situations with all the resources they need. WINGS is a great resource. Go to the police and file charges. Do not believe the excuses your abuser gives you.
- End other unhealthy relationships. Some are easier to end than others, but get out in a way that honors the relationship. You could honestly talk to the other person about how you’re feeling, but my experience is that zebras don’t drastically change their stripes. They may try, but unless they’re really doing work on themselves, most people don’t change much over time.
- Seek therapy. Seriously. Figure out the root of the why you believe you only deserve unhealthy relationships. It’s going to take some work, won’t happen overnight, and is going to be incredibly hard work. You’ve spent a lifetime accepting less than the best; why would you think you’ll fix that in a matter of minutes? You can’t. It’s also important that you have a good trusting relationship with your therapist. If for any reason you don’t feel comfortable, find a new therapist. It’s just not a good fit for you and that’s okay. The therapist won’t take it personally, but even if they do, it’s their problem. Keep searching until you find the therapist that’s just right for you.
- Find a new job. Yes, this is hard. If you are being harassed at work or if it’s unhealthy for other reasons, do whatever it takes to find a new job and put yourself into a healthy work environment. If your work environment is unhealthy because of illegal discrimination or harassment, make sure your HR department knows about it and if they won’t fix the problem (firing you after reporting illegal activity is called retaliation and is illegal), go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and file a complaint.
Yes, you’ll stumble a bit along the way. Cut yourself some slack. Most importantly, your kids will see you doing the work and your personal growth will be soaked up by them like a sponge. They’ll see you loving yourself and then they’ll see you raising your standards and only allowing healthy people and relationships into your life. Your daughter will grow up knowing she’s worthy and that love doesn’t hurt. Your son will grow up treating women with respect. All because they learned it from you.
Love,
Little Merry Sunshine
P.S. This advice isn’t just for moms. This is life advice for everyone.
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How many licks does it take to get to a Tootsie Roll Pop center?
If you’re of a certain age, you’ve probably tried about a million times to answer that question. Good news: I’ve solved the question!
It takes exactly 903 licks to reach the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Does that sound excessive? Hmmmm, maybe it is. But that’s how long it took me.
Oh, I’m not actually talking about Tootsie Roll Pops. I’m using them as a deeply personal metaphor*.
I have spent a large portion of my life trying to get to the center of the Tootsie Roll Pop. Sometimes I’ve taken a couple of licks and, thinking I was ready, bitten through to the core only to discover there were some sharp pieces of hard candy scraping my tongue and cheeks. A couple of times I have skipped licking all together and just cracked the hard candy surface with my teeth. That hurt and I’m lucky I didn’t break a tooth in the process. Finally, and this is just embarrassing, I have licked and licked and then just given up completely and thrown out the Tootsie Pop.
It’s not clear what made this time different, but it has been. I haven’t given up. I pushed through and kept licking. I licked and licked. Even when I was tired and wanted to give up. When the going got tough, I got tougher.
And then this morning, I finally got to the Tootsie Roll center of the Tootsie Roll Pop.
Yay me!
* For all of my readers with your mind in the gutter, the Tootsie Roll Pop metaphor is not a sexual metaphor.
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You Say It’s Your Birthday? It’s My Birthday Too . . . In 6 Weeks!
We need to have a serious discussion. It has come to my attention that some of you have not yet begun to shop for my birthday, which is just six weeks away. That’s like tomorrow!
Knowing that you want to get me the perfect birthday gift, I’ve taken it upon myself to make a few suggestions for you. No, no, no. I’m not registering anywhere. That would be tacky. I’m just going to give you a detailed list here. You know what to do with it.
Nothing on my list will surprise you if you’re familiar with the fact that, as my dad recently told me, Jessica was recently named as the #2 top name of Gold Diggers, only behind Jennifer. I’ve got to do my part to uphold such a prestigious honor.*
1. Le Grand Rêve in Winnetka. In just 2 1/2 short years, I’ve outgrown my condo. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m fine, but Sammy and Zoey need more space. This grand estate is only $18.7 million, but it’s got $92 per month HOA fees, so it’s a bargain. What do you get for $18.7 million? Six bedrooms, six full bathrooms plus six half-baths, a pool, two kitchens, a fountain, a massage room, a gym, a library (no late fees!!!), an elevator, and heated floors. Yes, I know that $18.7 million is a lot of money, but it’s really a steal. This house was originally for sale for $32 million in 2009. I’m saving you $14 million. Oh, please make sure the geese in the kitchen are included. I can’t live without them.
Image from Chicago.Curbed.com (click picture for link) 2. Prince Harry. Yes, I know, he’s not “for sale.” And I wouldn’t want you to pay him to fall in love with me anyway. He is, however, single. Yes, I can handle all the responsibilities as a member of the Royal Family. I already have multiple tiaras, I speak the language, and I know all about which fork to use, when, and why. Many of you have wicked persuasive skills and this is the perfect time to put them to good use. I have faith in you.
Prince Harry. Be still my heart. Photo from Metro.us. (Click picture for link.) 3. A 2014 Rolls Royce Phantom Sedan. Yes, I know that it doesn’t include heated back seats, but I can get over that and get it fixed easily. Because this car is used, please have it checked out by my mechanic before you sign on the dotted line and make the seller fix any problems. I’ll obviously also need a driver.
2014 Rolls Royce Phantom Sedan. Image from Cars.com. (Click picture for link. 4. Portillo’s. Portillo’s is for sale and we must do everything we can to maintain the purity of this Chicago institution. This gift isn’t really for me. It’s for all of us. We’ve seen Marshall Field’s destroyed by Macy’s and the Ricketts aren’t exactly winning any popularity contests with their ownership of the Cubs. As the owner of Portillo’s, I promise to keep it exactly as we all love it today, although I’ll do something to speed up drive-thru service. Best hotdogs and italian beef in Chicago owned by a Chicagoan who won’t destroy it. That’s what we need.
We must preserve Portillo’s for future generations. Photo from Portillos.com. (Click picture for link.) 5. The Bibliochaise and Bibliopouf. I love books. I have about 10 gazillion bazillion (it’s a number, look it up) books, but I lack space for them all. I don’t have my own private library, which is why I really need gift suggestion #1 above. Until I can figure out a way to create the library I truly want, the Bibliochaise and Bibliopouf are the perfect compromise. I love their efficiency. They’re a chair and an ottoman! No! They’re bookshelves! No! They’re BOTH!
It’s a chair! It’s a library! NO! It’s BOTH! Photo from Outdoorzgallery.com. (Click picture for link.) So there you have it. Five outstanding ideas to assist you in your birthday gift shopping for me.
*I’m not sure why my dad shared this information with me because, in all seriousness, I am not a Gold Digger. If I’m supposed to be, I’ve failed miserably and I couldn’t be prouder of that fact.
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Watervale – My Slice of Heaven
Every summer for as long as I can remember, my family has vacationed at a resort in Northern
IowaMichigan called Watervale.Watervale is a third-generation family owned resort that began as a logging town in the 1800s. The Kraft family purchased the abandoned town in 1917. My family ties don’t go back quite that long, although they probably go back close to 75 years when my great uncle worked with the second owner at US Gypsum. My dad worked there in college, I worked there in college, and my brother worked there in college. In fact, Dave loved it so much that he now lives about 15 minutes from Watervale.
I consider Watervale my other home. When I’m freaking out with anxiety or stress or just having a bad day, I close my eyes and I’m walking down the dirt road or sitting on the Big Beach. I can hear the waves lapping, feel the warm sand between my toes, hear the seagulls and laughing children, smell the lingering scent of the previous night’s beach fire, and taste the daily homemade bread.
What makes Watervale so special? I don’t even know where to begin.
It’s the friends I’ve known since I was a kid. We may only see each other once or twice a year, and now, thanks to social media, keep in regular touch on Facebook, but every summer we pick up where we left off the previous August. It’s also the friends I’ve made through Facebook who are also Watervalians (my word), although we’ve met through non-Watervalians. Watervalians just get it.
It’s the fact that Watervale hasn’t changed much in almost 100 years. There’s one landline phone and no televisions. All of the food is homemade, including the bread that’s baked fresh daily. It’s only been the last five years that I could reliably get cell phone service while at Watervale, and even now, it’s kinda spotty. Until last summer, there was no internet connection for the guests and now it only exists in one building. The only air conditioning is what’s provided by nature. There are waitresses, coffee girls, busboys, dish boys. There’s a weekly bar-b-que on Wednesday followed by bingo on Thursday in the Casino.
The same families come back for the same weeks year after year and stay in the same cottages, so it’s like one big (good) family reunion. Newbies are folks who’ve only been coming to Watervale for 20 years. Some families are so big that they all but take over the resort and they have specific weeks named after them. There’s Benson Week and Pritchard Week and they each have traditions that go along with them, like the Baldython.
Did I mention all the nature? Oh. My. God. The nature. Watervale sits on two lakes – Lower Herring Lake and Lake Michigan. Jet skis are prohibited on Lower Herring, which means it’s quiet and safe for everyone. We kayak, swim, hike, windsurf, paddle board, run, water ski, and plays tennis and shuffleboard. Baldy is just a short hike a way and Sleeping Bear Dunes are just a short drive away. After dinner, we always race down to the Big Beach on Lake Michigan to watch the most gorgeous sunsets in the world. I promise you that they are more beautiful than the ones I’ve seen in Hawaii. There are no street lights, so once the sun goes down, you can practically reach out and pull the stars out of the sky.
Without televisions or fancy amusement parks you probably wonder what everyone does when they get a little tired of nature. The Cherry Bowl Drive-In or the newly restored Garden Movie Theater are fantastic options. There is also incredible antiquing all around, along with world-class golf courses. Cards, board games, and reading are other popular activities. I’ve been known to read seven novels in a week. I also enjoy a daily nap.
There are no locks on any of the doors. Seriously. I stay in the Inn, where there are probably 30 other rooms filled with people I’ve known for years, but am not related to. The Inn is also where breakfast and dinner are served daily for the entire resort, so guests are in and out all the time. None of the cottages have locks or keys either. It just never occurs to me that I should be worried about my stuff. I remember being in the Inn about 30 years ago when a new family checked-in. Once they were checked-in, they asked for their room keys. Kelly, the woman who ran the front desk back then, looked at them like they had three heads, tried to hold in her laughter, and said that Watervale has no keys. It was true.
Not only have the guests been coming for generations, but the staff has been too. Today, you’ll find Pat behind the front desk, where she’s been for most of the past 25 years after Kelly retired. Richard has been the head chef for close to 25 years as well. Holly comes in to make the breakfast breads nightly. John is there bright and early each morning to make his world famous honey oatmeal bread. And the waitstaff and dish boys are all the college-aged kids of long-time guests.
Here’s a taste of Watervale from when it was featured on the Today Show in 2010.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32545640
Want to read more about Watervale? Check out my archive of Watervale blog posts.
The first time you arrive at Watervale, you’ll be tempted to ask if you’re in Heaven. No, baby, it’s Watervale.
Wondering what prompted this post? It’s Blogapalooza!
Hey all,
Welcome to ChicagoNow’s Blogapalooz-Hour!
Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to publish a post in one hour. Here is tonight’s challenge:
“Write about a favorite or memorable place you have lived for any time at all, whether a country, state, city, childhood home, fraternity/sorority, hostel, hotel or even bedroom.”
Be creative, enjoy the process. Use words, images or video. Whatever you need to tell your story.
Be aware of the time. No matter when you finish, please wait until 10 p.m. to publish. Above all, please respect the deadline.
You have one hour.
Go.
Jimmy
Check out the Storify containing all the posts from tonight’s Blogapalooza.
Like Little Merry Sunshine on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and Pinterest, and see my pictures on Instagram to keep up with the latest goings on.
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12 Tips for Buying a Used Car
4/24/14 NOTE: This post has been updated to reflect a 13th tip that I inadvertently forgot to include. It’s a very important step, so please check it out.
Two weeks ago, I unexpectedly put myself in the market for a new car when I totaled my car. The good news is that no one was hurt in the car accident and I have wonderful insurance. Seriously, State Farm was definitely a good neighbor and took car of everything in record time.
I’m now the proud new owner of the 2002 Toyota Rav4 pictured above. It’s the first CUV I’ve owned and I’m very excited about it.
I don’t know about you, but have found negotiating to be one of life’s most uncomfortable situations. It’s taken me years of practice to feel sort of comfortable with it, and even now, I have to put on my big girl panties, psych myself up with confidence, and take a deep breath before I walk into any negotiation.
Whether it’s negotiating a job salary, a house sale, a car purchase, or anything else, I think the greatest key to success in negotiating yourself is knowing your worth. When I didn’t fully believe in my worth, I would take other people at face value in negotiation situations and believe they were always giving me the best deal for both of us. It turns out, though, that’s the biggest fallacy there is. Yes, it’s important for both parties to end up feeling they’ve both “won,” but only I can count on making sure I get what’s best for me.
In addition to knowing your worth, there are 10 other essential tips for buying a used car.
BONUS TIP: Before setting a budget or taking any other steps, if you plan on trading in a car, you must know its value. Take your car to Carmax where they will appraise your car and make you a no-obligation written offer. You’ll have 7 days to accept the offer and sell it to them for cash or a trade-in OR you can use that written offer as a negotiating tool with other car dealers. At a minimum, you this will give you an idea of what sort of downpayment you might have or, if your car is in great condition, you may be able to get enough for it to ultimately pay cash for your new to you car. Make sure to read all of the Carmax tips on what to bring, the FAQs, and watch their videos on the appraisal process.
- Before you even begin to look at cars, set a budget. Once you know the value of your trade-in, you’re ready to create a budget. Whether you’re paying cash, trading in a car, and/or financing, figure out exactly how much money you can spend. If you’re financing, know what you can afford in monthly payments. This is the most you can spend. Period. Use this Car Finance Calculator to figure out your monthly payments.
- Decide what deal breakers are for you. My deal breakers were ABS brakes, less than 100,000 miles, a Toyota or Honda. I had a strong preference for a crossover utility vehicle (CUV), but it wasn’t a make-it-or-break-it. Anything but a Toyota or Honda and without ABS and more than 100,000 miles were unacceptable though.
- Start with researching online and within your budget and deal breakers. This will give you an idea of the inventory in your geographic vicinity. Initially, I cast a pretty wide geographic net in order to compare prices, options, etc., but once I had some information, I narrowed down my vicinity to within 30 miles. Of course, unless you live in a major metropolitan area overflowing with car dealerships, you might not have this option.
- Always stay within your budget and deal breakers. Looking outside your budget it a dangerous game because you will find your dream car and start justifying why it’ll be okay if you bust your budget or toss some of your deal breakers aside. I almost fell for this. I found the exact car that I wanted. It was $10,000 more than my budget, but it checked all the boxes for all the non-essential features I would love (heated seats, 6-disc CD player, 5 years old, less than 50,000 miles and much much more). It may have even had a cloud that sat between it and the road, I’m not sure now. After I saw that car, nothing else measured up and I declared my search over. Fortunately, my friend Christopher talked some wisdom into me and reminded me how fiscally irresponsible this move would be at this point. He was right and saved me from making a horrible mistake. Never looking outside of your budget or deal breakers guarantees you’ll avoid this potentially costly mistake.
- While still searching online, narrow your search down to a few types and then do your due diligence. Were there any safety recalls? What does Consumer Reports have to say about the specific models you’re looking at? Do any of your friends drive the cars you’re considering? Ask them what they think. Talk to your trusted mechanic to find out what typical repair costs are for the car.
- Check car prices Kelley Blue Book. This is important because KBB.com is impartial and will give you a price range based on the condition of the car(s) you’re considering. It tells you whether the seller is out of their gourd with the price they want and gives you assurance for negotiations.
- Walk around a couple of car lots on a Sunday or when the dealership is closed. In Illinois, car dealerships are required by law to be closed on Sundays, so this is the perfect day to go do some window shopping without being harassed by sales people.
- Once you’ve settled on a car that you possibly want to buy, call the dealership to make an appointment for a test drive. Listen to how the car drives. Drive at different speeds. Test the brakes. Are there any noises that shouldn’t be present? Test out the stereo, the windows, the locks, the car fob, the heat, defroster, and air conditioning. Look at the spare tire. Test the windshield wipers and fluid. Open the hood and look around. Check the tires.
- Ask the dealership for the complete Carfax report. There is no reason they shouldn’t give it to you for free. If they refuse, leave. Read it over thoroughly. Look at the number of owners and confirm the age and mileage of the car. Are there any problems with the title? Have there been any reported accidents? Read through the full detailed history. The Carfax won’t tell you everything about the current condition of the car, but it will give you any red flags you should know about.
- Sit down to negotiate armed with the knowledge of steps 1 – 9. The dealer is going to tell you he’s got to make money on the deal, which is fair. You know your budget and you know what Kelley Blue Book tells you is a fair sales price range. If the dealer has to fix anything on the car, factor that into the cost you’ll pay. Remember that in addition to the price of the car, you’ll have taxes, title, and possibly other fees. All together, that’s the “out the door” price and that’s the number that needs to be within your budget. It’s typical for the sales person to say he’s got to go talk to his manager about whatever you offer. Remain calm and empathize with his situation. Of course he does and it’s no big deal to you. At this point, the manager may come over to talk to you. Keep in mind that as much as you want to buy this car, they want to sell it. Be prepared to walk away if you need to do so because you will find your desired car somewhere else. They don’t want you to walk away and will do what they need to keep you there and sell you the car.
- If everything is checking out and you’re feeling good about the car, ask the dealership to allow you to have your mechanic check it out. If the dealership says no, leave and do not return. Make your negotiated sale price contingent on your mechanic’s inspection and approval. Your mechanic has no skin in this game. He will tell you the truth about any issues with the car. Ask him to give you a detailed work order with the prices of any fixes needed. You can use this in your final negotiation. My inspection cost me $78, but if it had cost me $100, it was peace of mind worth having. The dealership may require that you put down a deposit on the car in order to take it for the inspection. Make sure that the deposit is refundable (get that in writing) should anything come up in the inspection that makes you want to cancel the contract.
- Once you receive the inspection report from your mechanic, it’s time for your final negotiation. It may be possible to negotiate any needed fixes into the already agreed upon price or lower the sale price by the amount it will cost you to fix something. Be reasonable, but hold firm because the dealership has now invested a lot of time with you and they want to sell the car just as much as you want to buy it. You hold the cards.
When all is said and done, you and the dealer should feel good about the agreed upon price. If you’ve stuck to your values and your budget and done all of your homework, you’ll feel good and negotiate from a strong place and go home with a car you feel great about.
If, even after having done steps 1 – 7, you don’t feel confident, take a friend to the dealership with you who will keep you grounded on the car lot and during the negotiations. Personally, I won’t car shop without my friend Christopher. He lives and breathes cars and most of his professional career has been in the auto industry. He knows what he’s talking about and no one tries to pull the wool over his eyes. No matter how prepared I am, I feel like he’s my secret weapon.
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Jessica L Gardner 